What a Child Really Needs: Worth (Part 3)

Children express needs differently than adults.  As adults we have refined skills, for better or worse, as to how to get our needs met.  Most of those skills involve saying what we need in one way or another.  Children just don't have the self-awareness that comes with maturity and they don't have the words to say what they feel and what they need.  It is up to us to delve into their world and their heart and to interpret their needs in the way they are expressed.  Often this expression comes in the form of behaviors.  Over the past two weeks I have discussed two of the basic emotional needs children have (as so well presented by Dr. Bruce Narramore in his book, "Help! I'm a Parent.")  You can find those posts here and here.  Now let's talk about the third of the four basic emotional needs a child has and what happens when that particular need is not met. 

Worth ... Value ... Dignity

Deep inside each of us lives the innate cry to know we matter.

In Psalm 139 God shows us that He carefully created each one of us, personally, specifically:

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.  

Boundaries, Consequences and Relationship in Parenting

I have done a lot of thinking of late about the role of consequences in a child's life.  I thought I was going to write about consequences in the series I did on character development in children, but then God led me to focus much more on His role and our role as parents instead.  So, I have had to wait for an entirely different post to consider this topic out loud.

I have been thinking about what we, as parents, often think consequences will do for our children.  And I have realized that sometimes we are under the misguided impression that using consequences will influence our children so that they will make good choices and those good choices will turn them into good people.  Of course this is errant thinking on so many levels.  I discussed this in my series on character and in a post called "Parenting by Heart" as well.

Consider this situation which happened in my home:
We had been having "screen days" and "no screen days" for some time (screen days were days when my boys could watch something or use the computer and no-screen-days were, well, when they couldn't).  The problem became that I was always still asked if it were a screen day or not and if they could watch screens.  The focus (in their hearts) on screen use was not diminishing and fading into the background.  We have a limited number of total hours a week screens could be used (7 hours a week maximum) and they kept a tally on the white board.  Again, this seemed to make them think about using screens a lot.  In some weird course of events, my oldest preteen son and I simultaneously had this thought that we should do away with screen days and no-screen-days and we should just see how it goes.  When the boys want to watch something, they ask.  I can say "yes" or "no" based on what I feel is appropriate.  Granted this takes their self-control and internal monitoring out of the picture (which is our ultimate parental goal) but it helps build in something else that I think is a precursor to self-control and that is a diminished interest in the screen altogether.

Well, we have been going along in the new way of screen-use in our home and we are bumping up against a new issue as we do.  My eldest will probably make a good lawyer some day.  When he or his brother would ask to use screens and I would say, "no," he would start asking about "what if," and "when" and "could we just ..."  He wasn't trying to be defiant or undermine me.  He just is persistent and doesn't always agree with my decision about things.  So, he respectfully asks to change that decision.  We have had this come up in several areas lately -- this second-guessing or need to push the edges a bit.  It's totally appropriate for his age, so I get it.  But, nonetheless, it wasn't helping the whole "let's minimize the emphasis on screens around here" goal.  So, I sat down with him and said, "You know, lately when I say, 'no' about screens, you push and prod trying to change my mind.  You ask about other times and you make it more of a focus when the whole goal is to make this less of a focus.  I have decided something.  If you can't take my 'no' answer, we will go to Saturday only screen day.  We won't have screen use six days a week.  That will take all questions out of the question and it will eliminate this struggle we keep going through.  I want to address this deeper issue of you needing to buck up against my "no" answers, okay?"  He totally understood what I was saying and he said, "Yeah, you are right, Mom, I was pushing too much." 

Now, here's the kicker.  His character will develop from this interaction.  He will become more self-controlled.  But, it wasn't the pending threat of a consequence that was the change agent.  What happened was that he was engaged relationally and respected and he was told an outcome (and saw that even though the outcome was undesirable, it would be implemented for his good) and he was given the open room to choose to agree and work along with the situation or not.  Ultimately it is up to him.  I have a boundary in place: I won't be argued with about my "no" answers about screen use.  I stated what would happen if the boundary is crossed: We'll go to Saturday only screens.  I communicated in love and with his interest at heart: I want to help you grow in this area because it isn't good for you.  I gave him the power to choose: You can honor the boundary, or choose the consequence.

Now, this could have gone another way.  I could have said, when he started in with the bartering and pushing limits, "You have pushed my limits too many times.  When I say 'no' I mean it and you will listen to my 'no' and obey and you will do that with a cheerful look on your face and a cheerful heart behind that look.  From now on if you ever say anything but, 'yes ma'am' when I say 'no' to you, you will lose your screens and only have Saturday screen time."  The approaches are the same with regards to facts: When I say no, I mean it; You need to go along with that; If you don't you lose something. 

The two approaches are actually worlds apart.  In the first example, I am not forcing my son's hand.  I am not dictating what he should or shouldn't feel while he does or doesn't choose to obey me.  The choice is his.  He gets to exercise his will (which will build his character) and he gets to hear my heart about how I want to help him grow (which encouraged him enough that he actually willingly joined my efforts by cooperating). My parenting isn't all touchy-feely, loosey-goosey without boundaries or consequences, but I don't demand behavior nor do I demand a certain emotion (cheerfulness) in response to my authoritative statements.

We can give our children the impression that the only acceptable emotion is "cheerfulness."  A thorough study of the perfect life of Jesus will show that a cheerful response is not always even the godly and perfect response to life.  He exhibited righteous anger, weeping and many other emotions.  God also encourages us to express all emotions to Him in the examples of the Psalmist.  We need to allow our children the internal space to process emotions.  I surely am not instantly cheerful when something doesn't go my way.  I can feel a range of emotions and even act on them sometimes.  Eventually my feelings do line up with my thoughts and what is right in God's sight -- but that can take a     l   o   n  g     time, even at my age.  It is not fair for me to ask my children to express cheerfulness at all times.  It is far better for me to reflect God to them -- He loves us whether we are cheerful or fretful or angry or depressed.  His love is not contingent on our cheerfulness and if we ask our children to be cheerful all the time, we aren't keeping them from feeling other feelings, we are just teaching them that only certain feelings are acceptable and the rest are not -- which may even make them feel at least partially unacceptable altogether over time. 

Consequences come naturally in life.  We all know -- touch a hot stove, get a burn -- there is cause and effect in so much of life.  And those "natural" (God-given and inescapable) consequences are very excellent tools for showing us what choices are good and bad.  If we, as parents, as often as possible let those consequences come as they are (not diminishing them to protect our children from pain -- unless they are in danger -- and not enhancing them to make a point) our children will learn much.  And, then there are times when we must impose consequences, such as, "If you don't go to bed now, you will have to stay in during play time tomorrow to take a nap."  Those are good too.  They are tools of instruction and they help children learn to do what is right and to develop good habits and to make choices which they would not innately do.

But, consequences will only produce certain things: behaviors.  They will not produce changed hearts.  We can become a person who knows how to say "please," "thank you," "yes ma'am" and "no sir," and still have a hateful, unsubmissive heart under the behavior.  Consequences will not make a person good.  Most consequences lead to mere behavior control which will lead to acceptable conduct.  This isn’t all bad as we need to have some order in society and in our homes.  But, we just can’t legislate morality and that truth is applicable at both the macro (governmental) and micro (familial) levels. Though good behavior is important, without a noble heart behind the behavior we miss the mark.  If we are not careful, we can fool ourselves into thinking that our very compliant children have pure hearts when they have merely learned to avoid the shock of punishment. 

Part of why consequences work when they do is when they are used as a part of discipline (instruction) rather than punishment.  God has said, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a hope and a future, ….”  That verse is very familiar to most of us.  We can wear a verse out to familiarity by putting it on bookmarks and picture frames and gifting it to our nephew when he graduates.  Sometimes we have to step back and revisit the familiar and well-worn verses and see them with fresh eyes.  Though this verse (in context) relays God’s message to His people while they are in exile, it holds a truth that is echoed throughout Scripture.  God has a will for us and it is focused upon a hopeful future.  He disciplines with an eye for the future.  Punishment is focused on what was done and a price to be paid.  Discipline (paideuō in Hebrew) is for instruction which has an eye towards the future.  Our goal in discipline is to look towards the future and instruct our children in ways they should walk.

Charlotte Mason said that behavior ought not be forced out of a desire to please someone we love, to avoid a negative consequence or as a response to the art of manipulation.  She referred to that as "suggestion."  What she meant was that a person with power in a relationship should not use that power to make someone else do their will.  The other person with less power should be free to use their will.  They should not feel external constraint to make a given choice because of the more powerful person.  So, as parents, we have to be so careful not to set our children up in a "choice" that really leaves them no choice whatsoever.  The will is strengthened (in the good sense) when it is exercised.  We want our children to exercise their will and choose.  So we don't force their hand by way of excessive use of consequences.  

Boundaries are the lines we draw or the lines that naturally exist that should not be crossed.  When we pair a boundary with a consequence we let our child know what the outcome will be if the boundary is crossed.  We don't do this by means of a threat, but by way of information.  It helps a person make an informed choice when they know what will or could happen if they choose one way or the other.  Of course we know how we want them to choose, but we need to back off a bit and let them choose and let them experience the results of their choosing.  When they choose well, they can feel the goodness of that internally.  When they choose poorly, they will learn from that too.  And this process of internal choicemaking does actually help build character in ways that the imposition of consequences in a more authoritarian way does not.

So, consequences are good.  The ones that come naturally are the best -- we don't need to exaggerate those nor diminish them.  Sometimes we need to state a consequence with a boundary.  We can do this in love, with an eye towards the future and the growth of our child while we stay on their side and in their corner.  Our children need to exercise their will and make choices -- this is how they grow.  We can allow them experiences including all the emotions and outcomes that come with making either good or poor choices.  Over time this process will have a building and strengthening effect on our children.  Our role can be one of a loving guide, coach and ally as we help them grow in maturity.

Together

You should see them.  The two of them, bundled under a blanket reading a book.  Big brother arm around little wide-eyed brother as they soak in a story together in the warmth of their friendship.  You should see them -- the two of them -- as they wrestle around and play made up games with rules only they know in the secrets of their brotherhood.

We used to be two.  Me and my sweet husband.  We had to wait to have our first.  When I heard I was pregnant there weren't words or songs to describe my joy.  And several months later we found out about her.  Our niece in great need whom we had never met because of the lost and broken life of my husband's brother.  And we took her in to be our own only three months after our first was born.  Together we committed to her.  And we were on the roller coaster together.  All four of us a brand-new family of strangers who meant the world to one another.

She left when her mom got it together and we were left just three.  And it never was the same and it wasn't quite complete.

Grief leaves its marks and together we had to overcome that loss and make life enough again.

And six years later after the loss of our niece God gave us our second son.  My oldest said, "Sometimes God answers prayers slowly because, Mom, I've been praying for a baby brother or sister for two years."  And in his then-six-year-old life that WAS slowly.  But God did answer. 

And together those boys just might conquer the world as they have surely conquered my heart.  They say "phileo" is brotherly love.  We have it in spades over here -- and God is what holds us together.

Stop.  

Laundry

Laundry.  It piles up around us sometimes.  Boys drop it on the floor instead of the bag ... "Put it in the bag, please, hun .." said over ten times in a morning ... till I'm weary of my own voice and weary of the piles of unfinished mothering and attempts to pour in all that is needed for a life in short eighteen years ...

And some days we just leave it all where it is and go walking.  We pack our paints, hit the bike path, don't look back and sit by the lake and laugh and create and drink in views of egrets and ducks and people walking dogs ... those "laundry can wait days" give life the pace a savoring heart needs. 

And, then when someone just pops by, we have to put the laundry away so it isn't sitting out for every one to look at.  Just like so much of life stashed away from critical eyes who may see the unfinished, unwashed, unkempt parts of me and fear that you won't find me as tidy as you'd like.  But, there are always those friends who come in and do the laundry with you.  Those are the keepers.

And there's the laundry sorting where you think about each boy and his jeans torn in wild abandon on a grassy hill or a bicycle stunt and his carefree love of living out loud with his neighbor friends.  And you stand and fold and smile about those boys who just can't turn a sock right-side-out to save their lives, but they sure turn me right side out most days just by filling this house with all the life it can handle.

And when all the laundry is folded and stashed away and I have things lined up as I like and the boys are tucked in and the night light in the hall is on, if it's been one of those days, I can thank God for new mercies.  But if it's been the other kind, those memory making, heart quaking, eat-em-up days, then I can sigh and pull up my covers and just thank God for all of it -- the dirt, the wash and the folding.  

Stop. 

Character vs. Conduct - Part III

So far in this series we have been looking at the developing of a noble character in our children.  In my first post we looked at what character is and in my second post we looked at the process by which God develops character.  We left off thinking of character development being rooted and grounded in love and we looked at the vital role of parental modeling by way of our own abiding relationship in Jesus as we acknowledge that more is caught than taught.  I mentioned at the end of my last post that I was going to tackle the concept of consequences and what role (if any) they play in character formation.  

As I thought and prayed about this post, I really spent time thinking through my own experiences – what has brought around significant change in my character throughout my life?  And I thought about my two sons – what areas do I see strength (even nobility) in their character and what seems to have brought that to pass?  These are really interesting questions to ponder.  I encourage you to think them through. 

One thing that has become evident to me as I have been thinking through character and conduct is that I think we tend to confound two different aspects of parenting.  One aspect is the necessary role of discipline or instruction of our children and the other aspect is the cultivation of character.  I think there is a good reason that we mingle these two together – at least the more I looked at my own tendencies, I found out some things which were important to see.  If I believe that something I do is bound to produce a lasting character change in my child, I feel more of a sense of control.  Parenting is a wild ride to say the least.  From the moment of conception we are profoundly connected to another human being and that person is dependent upon us in a way that is truly overwhelming and precious.  From birth onward their lives are intimately woven into our souls.  Now, top that off with some normal issues like the need to have others like and approve of us or the need to feel like we can keep our children from harm, and we have a formula for needing a sense of control.  The more fear we feel, the more we need power over them and their lives.  So, we are tempted to grasp onto parenting beliefs and methods which help us quell those fears and give us a pseudo-comfort.  One of the things we are bound to do is to tell ourselves that the discipline approaches we choose are invariably going to lead to positive outcome in the character of our children.  And, when we see immediate results in their conduct, we feel better.  We tell ourselves that this compliance is good fruit.  

Discipline (instruction) is necessary and I am sure I will go into that further in future posts, but for our sake here, I want to sort of set it aside because the more I look at it, the more I see that we will never create good character through discipline alone.  There are several good reasons this is so.  

For one thing, outward conformity (conduct) is not a proof of inward transformation.  We ask our children to practice certain habits and demonstrate certain behaviors, but those habits and behaviors in themselves (though very good) are empty, according to Jesus if they are not rooted in a relationship with Him and fueled by our love for Him and His grace and love for us.  Remember the Pharissees?  They were called "white-washed tombs" because they were perfect in their conduct, but they lacked character to support the conduct.  No one wants to be in the business of instilling a Pharisee heart in their own child, but too much emphasis on conduct will do just that – it is legalism plain and simple.  

Dallas Willard said we must become the type of people who would easily do the things that Jesus commands us to do.  That is character: when our knee-jerk reaction is to bless and not curse or to tell the truth or to give and sacrifice.  And, as Dallas taught (echoing teachings of the wise Jesus followers from many previous generations) character like that comes by practicing spiritual disciplines in an abiding life.  As we dwell with Jesus, He leads us into an ever deepening relationship with God and from that relationship comes the power to be the people He wants us to be.   This is true for us, and it is true for our children.  

We desire a deep and pervasive goodness in our children and we must know that much of that territory is not ours to touch.  Just as the internal organs are "out of reach" and "protected" from the direct touch of a human being, God has placed the character of our children out of our direct reach.  We can touch the "skin," but not the essence.  That territory is His alone.  

"Eternal living is an interactive relationship with God that touches us to the deepest core of our being and gives us the strength not only to envision what is good, but to live for it. Walking in that relationship transforms the inner dimensions of human personality. That’s what is called integrity. Integrity is a matter of all the dimensions of yourself being integrated with one another so that they function together because you have brought your will to trust in God and through that, every dimension of your personality—your mind, your body, your feelings, what your body is ready to do, and the depths of your soul, which is normally fractured by sin—is healed." ~ Dallas Willard (quote via Elane O'Rourke)

Our children are fractured as we are.  We all have sin in our hearts.  Nothing – no great parenting approach, no educational method, no group of godly friends and perfect environment – will ever heal that fracture.  The only restorative agent in the entire universe is the love of God at home in that same fractured heart.  And, when a person does allow Him in, the healing begins and persists because it is for freedom that He sets us free and He just won’t settle for less than that.  He is relentless about our character development.  It is His very will. 

As Charlotte Mason wrote, “… character is original disposition, modified, directed, expanded by education, by circumstances; later, by self-control and self-culture; above all, by the supreme agency of the Holy Spirit, even when that agency is little suspected and as little solicited … character is not the outcome of a formative educational process; but inherent tendencies are played upon, more or less incidentally, and the outcome is character.”

I hear this: character is a part of God’s original design and we don’t have to pour it in or train it up as much as we have to draw it out.  He already created character within your child and mine.  It is in His image and yet uniquely them.  Yes, it is marred by sin, but it is also present and alive.  And it will be impacted by circumstances, and expanded – yes expanded – by education, but ABOVE ALL the Holy Spirit will act upon the character of a child in a subtle and imperceptible way over time.  God breathes through us, so completely and so gently we hardly feel it.  And, hear this, what I heard: the process is not overt and formulaic.  It is somewhat nebulous and unseen.  

God is at work at every level to transform us once we are His.  And this is true of our children as well.  We are given the privilege of partnering in that process, but let us not fool ourselves into thinking our contribution to be greater than it is.  God is at work in our children to will and do His good pleasure.  It is not our parenting which will render a character, but His good and perfect will and His loving touch.

Character development is much like cultivating a garden.  We till and amend the soil, we plant good seed, we water, nourish, weed, and in due season we see fruit.  The fruit of child rearing may not be in the season of planting and tending.  It may come much later.  And, as in gardening there are all sorts of variables which will bear influence on the process and the outcome.  

I'm harping on this fact -- the fact that so much relies on being in right relationship to God (the child coming into that relationship sincerely and then growing bit by bit in an interactive relationship) because I know the temptation to take a more prominent role in the process than is right or good.  Character development in a child may be boiled down to trust.  It may simply come down to our abiilty to entrust our children to their loving God and then to fix our eyes on Him and on our own walk with Him.  It involves by way of practice the allowance of natural consequences -- with no need on our part to enhance, highlight nor diminish those -- and it must be bathed in prayer.  

If you are like me and after all this talk about letting go and knowing it is God at work you still crave some marching orders, I would say this:  if you want to develop a noble character in your child, abide in God's love yourself; keep your eyes on your own walk; love others (including your spouse and your children) despite their failings; allow natural consequences to have their impact unhindered; and pray.  

I truly intended to talk about consequences, and yet, God took me down this trail instead.  I am relatively sure my next post (and final in this series) will be about the role of education in character formation and what we can do (oh, how we want to do something!) to help shine a light while the fruit of character is growing in unseen places.  Join me here for more in a few days if you will …

Character vs. Conduct (Part 1)

There has been some conversation lately in a group of moms who meet regularly to discuss the application of the principles and methods of Charlotte Mason.  We are intrigued and exploring the idea of focusing on developing character versus concentrating on managing conduct.  I am embarking on the task of looking this question in the eye and coming up with some tangible and practical ideas.  This post will be the first in a series about character development in children.

So, how do we go about facilitating the development of a noble character within a child?

We are doing just that – at least influencing the development of a character – every day in our myriad of relational exchanges, in the ways we behave and in the things we value (really value).  

Maybe we should look at what character really is before we try to develop it.  In Greek a kharakter was a stamping tool, used to give something a distinctive mark.  Character alludes to the essential quality of something.  Herbert Spencer was noted to say, “Education has for its object the formation of character.”  In this sense, Mr. Spencer was probably speaking more towards the issue of ethics and the fact that “good” or “moral” character would have distinguishing features which aligned with deep moral truths [Though he, himself was an agnostic, he held to universal moral principles].   And in his opinion, the natural consequences of life – completely unaltered for either lesser or greater impact – were the very tools of character development at every age and stage.  Martin Luther King said he looked forward to the day when “all Americans would be judged solely by the content of their character.”  He was pointing beyond appearances and actions to the essence of a person.  In the Bible we could think of the character as the “heart” as in “out of the mouth, the heart speaks.”  It is the seat and source of action. 

We Christians have a slightly different language when we speak of character.  We can speak of the soul, which is differentiated from spirit in the Bible (as in where God says, “The Word of God is alive and active.  Sharper than any two edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit … it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”)  The soul might be seen as the part of us created in the image of God – it is not subject to the vicissitudes that impact the spirit.  God uses the words heart, spirit and will interchangeably in His Word.  And into this sacred space we walk when we talk about “character development.”  What we are really talking about is formation – being formed – and as in the stamping process implied by the Greek word kharakter, there are impressions being made upon hearts in our care and those impressions are formative. 

God speaks about being noble or excellent and some translations of verses with those words include the word “character,” but in the original Hebrew, there was no such wording used.  It is implied in the Hebrew phrasing that this nobility or excellence resided in a person’s mind or heart.  

In the New Testament (Romans 5), God talks about character development along a continuum.  He uses the word “dokimē” which means something proven through trial.  And this progression of character development begins with the concept of glorying in our sufferings.  Not in them alone, but in the fact that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance produces character; character produces hope; and that hope does not put us to shame (or deceive us so that we will be ashamed of having hoped in the first place); because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us: You see – at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly … but God demonstrates His own love for us in this.  While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  

Let’s unpack that section of Scripture and see how it relates to character development.  First of all, the foundation is not our suffering, even though that is the first thing mentioned.  The foundation, if we read further, is God’s love.  God’s love starts the whole deal.  Here we are sinners (bad conduct proceeding from bad character) and what does God do?  He dies for us.  He demonstrates His own love in that: the Cross – Himself in our place.  And, as we accept that gift, His love is poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given us.  There’s the love AGAIN: given to the powerless at just the right time.  So, now we go through suffering of different kinds, and as we do, we “glory” in them.  We boast and we rejoice, but not in THEM, those sufferings, but in the product they bring which is perseverance.  For character development we need that more than anything – inspired staying power to hold fast to what is good and true.  And how do we get it?  Perseverance only comes through experiencing suffering, (pressure, trials or burdens).  But we surely each know many people who have suffering and are not producing perseverance or any good thing.  They are like buildings without foundations.  Don’t forget that the whole process is built upon love, fueled by love and comes to fruition in love.  Without God and His love, suffering is useless and hopeless.  So, we rejoice in our suffering and we get the tool of perseverance and that brings about another gift which is character.  The heart is transformed into more of Christ’s likeness and we own something deep within ourselves which has been proven by trial.  His love was proven by trial – on the Cross.  And when we have that likeness of character, we have hope because we have weathered storms and held fast and what remains has proven worthy and we can put stock in it – in God’s love and the transformative effects it has in us.  Not disappointing at all.  

So we can see a little more clearly what a character is and where it resides within us (and within our children) and the process by which God has ordained for character development.  We may ask now, “Well, what do we DO?”  I mean, we have to DO something, right?  It isn’t like this is all going to happen in a vacuum.   

 Well, hang in there, that will be the discussion of my next post …

Parenting by Heart

Don't tell me what to do.

Isn't that a bit of our nature - all of us?  God knows it.  He says in His Word, "The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase" (Romans 5) and ".. when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died.  I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.  For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. "

So we find ourselves as parents in a sticky-wicket to say the least.  Here we want to instill values in our children that produce the fruit of good character so that apart from us -- when they are not under our watchful eye -- our children will have the internal strength and compass to do what is right on their own initiative.  

And, yet, we are prone to use the very means that God shows us clearly will only cultivate the inclination towards more sin in our children.  We lay out the "law" so to speak.  We say, "Don't hit your brother."  And, what happens?  Maybe in the moment our child stops hitting, but in the long run does this admonishment lead to real, internal heart change?  And there are even those who would add, if you do not spare the rod in conjunction with these "law giving statements" you will effect greater compliance.  So, in other words, if I use physical force and corporal punishment excessively enough, I will force you to abandon your sin nature.  But, God's Word shows us that this just can not be so.  In His Word, in Romans and Galatians and elsewhere, God clearly shows us that the more tightly the law is laid out, the more our flesh rebels and moves towards sin -- even when we wish not to do that very sin!  

I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man I am! (Romans 7:14-24)

So, what are we to do as parents?  The more we impose "law" upon our children, the more they are inclined to disobey.  The external setting of rules seems to run contrary to God's way, at least in and of itself.  Bear with Him (and me) a minute ... There is a way out of this trap:

Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

So, what the law could not do -- make me or my children "behave," Jesus did do by coming to earth and living His life in the likeness of sinful flesh (but free of sin) and then going to the cross on my (and their) behalf.  Never.  Never. Never will I fulfill the law.  Never will my children fulfill the law.  When Paul was writing Romans, he had already been saved by Jesus and was living a sacrificial, God-honoring life.  Yet, he could write, "the law of sin is at work within me!  What a wretched man I am!"   Do you ever feel that way?  I sure do.  I think my children do too.  I mean, we all have the light of our conscience telling us right from wrong and it grieves us to want to do what is right and not be able to live up to it on our own.  And we NEVER will.

Screeecch.

I hear all the "but, but, but" answers coming.  Do you mean to say we should throw away the law and give in?  Should we expect nothing but anarchy and misbehavior from our heathen children? (or even from those children who have accepted Christ as their Savior and Lord?)  Should we cast all hope to the wind and let our children run rampant without discipline?  That is sheer unbiblical heresy!!

Paul asks this same type of question in Romans.  "What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?^"   And he gives an answer: "By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?"  This goes for us and for our children.  But there is one more key element in Romans 8:  

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.  Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.  You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

You see, there truly are two paths in life.  There is the path of legalism, whereby I try to live up to standards on my own power and somehow within that I feel I can make myself (and even others such as my children) comply to the law and earn what the law promises.  Or there is the path of abiding, whereby I plant my roots deep in a relationship with Jesus and knowing my own weakness, I lean on Him for strength and sustenance as a tree digs into the soil for its very life (or as a branch does to the vine) and through Him and His Spirit I am empowered to bear fruit -- even the fruit of obedience to the law.  When my eye is on the law (for myself or my children) I am a behavior-focused, consequence-oriented, rule-imposing parent. But, when my eye is on the heart, I am able to do as Jesus did and does: facilitate relationship that leads to rootedness which is bound to bear good fruit.


How did Jesus go about this process of addressing the heart?  Well, that would be a good thing for each of us to explore on our own.  But, for your sake, I'll tell you what I observe.  He spent time with people.  He asked questions that made them think and self-reflect, and He loved despite brokenness.  When you see Jesus making statements of condemnation, it is to people who claimed to know and follow God, but were leading others astray with false teaching.  Otherwise His way is gentle, loving and forgiving, though not accepting of sin.  When a heart was torn, He asked hard questions and left open spaces for the person to come to grips with their own lack of faith. 

So, you may wonder, do I tell my one son to stop hitting the other?  The answer is, yes I do.  I do tell them what is right and wrong.  But, honestly my direct instruction to stop a sin is the least valuable thing (and probably the least effective) that I do as a mom.  What I do on my better days and more often than not is I engage my sons in dialogue about what kind of persons they want to be and whether the action they chose was one they want to continue in.  I engage the heart.  And, more importantly than all of that, I try to live a life that is one they will emulate because so much more is caught than taught.  My sons do get consequences for poor and sinful choices.  It is sometimes part of what is needed when they are willfully disobedient -- to get their attention so the greater work of heart-changing can occur.  Behavior is always the reflection of what is going on in a heart.  And a heart not bound to Jesus has no alternative but to live for the flesh and sin.  Even when right actions are chosen by an unredeemed heart, a look at the motives will show self at the center. Ultimately only Jesus can release us from this orientation towards life. 

The Pharisees were notorious for crushing spirits with law.  We can parent like that.  From our parental throne we can set out stern laws and exact amazing behavior from our children.  But, do we live as we preach?  Our children know if we do.  Can I ask my son to respect his father while I show that same man, my husband, a spirit of contention?  Can I tell my children to lay off the screens while I sit messaging friends on my phone or checking posts on Facebook?  I must live out what I want them to become.  And that I do, in the same way that they will in time, by walking in the Spirit and Abiding in Jesus.

The law has a place in our lives.  It is good and wonderful.  The evil we see is not in the law, but in the sinful flesh that defies the law.  So, we know and respect the law and yet we fix our eyes, not on the law, but on Jesus.  And we don't moralize our children into good behavior; we don't punish them into it; we love them and we lay out food for their mind which will point them towards what is good; and most of all we focus on our own walk because they are watching what we do more closely than they are following what we say. 

When Growing Pains Get the Best of Me

I've got those growing pains again.  The ones that wrap around my heart while you lay sleeping sweetly in your bed all half-boy, half-man and unaware.  If only you knew the ache of a mother's heart for you -- the joy-giving, cliff-hanging moments of motherhood that catch me up and dare me to care this much.  I think back to the birthing of you with the growing pains of welcoming you into this world.  I had waited and you were not coming and they had to rush us into the emergency room to help you along.  And when you came, I felt Niagra Falls in my heart and couldn't hold back the outburst of "I love you."  All the nights of rocking back and forth one leg to the other -- no aerobics class ever prepared me to rock like that.  And you soothed in my arms after the hard work of helping you settle.  Those frazzled dear early months of your life were long and short simultaneously. 

Tonight I sit alone on the couch, writing my rememberences after having written you your last "tooth fairy" note.  It will be the last time this tooth fairy ever sneaks in your room, lifts your pillow in that quiet way and puts a bit of cash and a silly note there for you to read excitedly in the morning.  And I have some serious growing pains tonight.  I think back to the first time the tooth fairy came to you and you were so exuberant, running down the hall the next morning, note in hand and money and treat in the other.  You read the note to me with such sincerity and then somberly turned to me and asked me to give you back your teeth.  How did you know!  You were on to me and I had to confess without confessing so that you could keep your trust and we could keep our game.  And ever since you have obliged us both with the reading of the note in the morning.  It is our sweet secret -- the identity of your own tooth fairy.

Who knows how many "lasts" I have missed while my eyes were blurry and my heart was elsewhere or we just assumed more were coming.  I can look back and say, remember when, and it is no more.  I don't lament your growing into a more dynamic and mature and amazing boy.  I love the privilege of having a front-row-seat in your life.  But I miss you each time you outgrow a shoe or a habit or a quirk and I have to pause and say, "goodbye" to just a little piece of you.  It is preparation.  I'm in the letting-go bootcamp and I'm getting worked over in the process.  A wise friend said, "It is the letting go that helps them want to come back."  I'll get there.  Thankfully I have years ahead to hone those skills.  Tonight we say farewell to the tooth fairy.  And they don't call them growing pains for nothing.