Boundaries, Consequences and Relationship in Parenting

I have done a lot of thinking of late about the role of consequences in a child's life.  I thought I was going to write about consequences in the series I did on character development in children, but then God led me to focus much more on His role and our role as parents instead.  So, I have had to wait for an entirely different post to consider this topic out loud.

I have been thinking about what we, as parents, often think consequences will do for our children.  And I have realized that sometimes we are under the misguided impression that using consequences will influence our children so that they will make good choices and those good choices will turn them into good people.  Of course this is errant thinking on so many levels.  I discussed this in my series on character and in a post called "Parenting by Heart" as well.

Consider this situation which happened in my home:
We had been having "screen days" and "no screen days" for some time (screen days were days when my boys could watch something or use the computer and no-screen-days were, well, when they couldn't).  The problem became that I was always still asked if it were a screen day or not and if they could watch screens.  The focus (in their hearts) on screen use was not diminishing and fading into the background.  We have a limited number of total hours a week screens could be used (7 hours a week maximum) and they kept a tally on the white board.  Again, this seemed to make them think about using screens a lot.  In some weird course of events, my oldest preteen son and I simultaneously had this thought that we should do away with screen days and no-screen-days and we should just see how it goes.  When the boys want to watch something, they ask.  I can say "yes" or "no" based on what I feel is appropriate.  Granted this takes their self-control and internal monitoring out of the picture (which is our ultimate parental goal) but it helps build in something else that I think is a precursor to self-control and that is a diminished interest in the screen altogether.

Well, we have been going along in the new way of screen-use in our home and we are bumping up against a new issue as we do.  My eldest will probably make a good lawyer some day.  When he or his brother would ask to use screens and I would say, "no," he would start asking about "what if," and "when" and "could we just ..."  He wasn't trying to be defiant or undermine me.  He just is persistent and doesn't always agree with my decision about things.  So, he respectfully asks to change that decision.  We have had this come up in several areas lately -- this second-guessing or need to push the edges a bit.  It's totally appropriate for his age, so I get it.  But, nonetheless, it wasn't helping the whole "let's minimize the emphasis on screens around here" goal.  So, I sat down with him and said, "You know, lately when I say, 'no' about screens, you push and prod trying to change my mind.  You ask about other times and you make it more of a focus when the whole goal is to make this less of a focus.  I have decided something.  If you can't take my 'no' answer, we will go to Saturday only screen day.  We won't have screen use six days a week.  That will take all questions out of the question and it will eliminate this struggle we keep going through.  I want to address this deeper issue of you needing to buck up against my "no" answers, okay?"  He totally understood what I was saying and he said, "Yeah, you are right, Mom, I was pushing too much." 

Now, here's the kicker.  His character will develop from this interaction.  He will become more self-controlled.  But, it wasn't the pending threat of a consequence that was the change agent.  What happened was that he was engaged relationally and respected and he was told an outcome (and saw that even though the outcome was undesirable, it would be implemented for his good) and he was given the open room to choose to agree and work along with the situation or not.  Ultimately it is up to him.  I have a boundary in place: I won't be argued with about my "no" answers about screen use.  I stated what would happen if the boundary is crossed: We'll go to Saturday only screens.  I communicated in love and with his interest at heart: I want to help you grow in this area because it isn't good for you.  I gave him the power to choose: You can honor the boundary, or choose the consequence.

Now, this could have gone another way.  I could have said, when he started in with the bartering and pushing limits, "You have pushed my limits too many times.  When I say 'no' I mean it and you will listen to my 'no' and obey and you will do that with a cheerful look on your face and a cheerful heart behind that look.  From now on if you ever say anything but, 'yes ma'am' when I say 'no' to you, you will lose your screens and only have Saturday screen time."  The approaches are the same with regards to facts: When I say no, I mean it; You need to go along with that; If you don't you lose something. 

The two approaches are actually worlds apart.  In the first example, I am not forcing my son's hand.  I am not dictating what he should or shouldn't feel while he does or doesn't choose to obey me.  The choice is his.  He gets to exercise his will (which will build his character) and he gets to hear my heart about how I want to help him grow (which encouraged him enough that he actually willingly joined my efforts by cooperating). My parenting isn't all touchy-feely, loosey-goosey without boundaries or consequences, but I don't demand behavior nor do I demand a certain emotion (cheerfulness) in response to my authoritative statements.

We can give our children the impression that the only acceptable emotion is "cheerfulness."  A thorough study of the perfect life of Jesus will show that a cheerful response is not always even the godly and perfect response to life.  He exhibited righteous anger, weeping and many other emotions.  God also encourages us to express all emotions to Him in the examples of the Psalmist.  We need to allow our children the internal space to process emotions.  I surely am not instantly cheerful when something doesn't go my way.  I can feel a range of emotions and even act on them sometimes.  Eventually my feelings do line up with my thoughts and what is right in God's sight -- but that can take a     l   o   n  g     time, even at my age.  It is not fair for me to ask my children to express cheerfulness at all times.  It is far better for me to reflect God to them -- He loves us whether we are cheerful or fretful or angry or depressed.  His love is not contingent on our cheerfulness and if we ask our children to be cheerful all the time, we aren't keeping them from feeling other feelings, we are just teaching them that only certain feelings are acceptable and the rest are not -- which may even make them feel at least partially unacceptable altogether over time. 

Consequences come naturally in life.  We all know -- touch a hot stove, get a burn -- there is cause and effect in so much of life.  And those "natural" (God-given and inescapable) consequences are very excellent tools for showing us what choices are good and bad.  If we, as parents, as often as possible let those consequences come as they are (not diminishing them to protect our children from pain -- unless they are in danger -- and not enhancing them to make a point) our children will learn much.  And, then there are times when we must impose consequences, such as, "If you don't go to bed now, you will have to stay in during play time tomorrow to take a nap."  Those are good too.  They are tools of instruction and they help children learn to do what is right and to develop good habits and to make choices which they would not innately do.

But, consequences will only produce certain things: behaviors.  They will not produce changed hearts.  We can become a person who knows how to say "please," "thank you," "yes ma'am" and "no sir," and still have a hateful, unsubmissive heart under the behavior.  Consequences will not make a person good.  Most consequences lead to mere behavior control which will lead to acceptable conduct.  This isn’t all bad as we need to have some order in society and in our homes.  But, we just can’t legislate morality and that truth is applicable at both the macro (governmental) and micro (familial) levels. Though good behavior is important, without a noble heart behind the behavior we miss the mark.  If we are not careful, we can fool ourselves into thinking that our very compliant children have pure hearts when they have merely learned to avoid the shock of punishment. 

Part of why consequences work when they do is when they are used as a part of discipline (instruction) rather than punishment.  God has said, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a hope and a future, ….”  That verse is very familiar to most of us.  We can wear a verse out to familiarity by putting it on bookmarks and picture frames and gifting it to our nephew when he graduates.  Sometimes we have to step back and revisit the familiar and well-worn verses and see them with fresh eyes.  Though this verse (in context) relays God’s message to His people while they are in exile, it holds a truth that is echoed throughout Scripture.  God has a will for us and it is focused upon a hopeful future.  He disciplines with an eye for the future.  Punishment is focused on what was done and a price to be paid.  Discipline (paideuō in Hebrew) is for instruction which has an eye towards the future.  Our goal in discipline is to look towards the future and instruct our children in ways they should walk.

Charlotte Mason said that behavior ought not be forced out of a desire to please someone we love, to avoid a negative consequence or as a response to the art of manipulation.  She referred to that as "suggestion."  What she meant was that a person with power in a relationship should not use that power to make someone else do their will.  The other person with less power should be free to use their will.  They should not feel external constraint to make a given choice because of the more powerful person.  So, as parents, we have to be so careful not to set our children up in a "choice" that really leaves them no choice whatsoever.  The will is strengthened (in the good sense) when it is exercised.  We want our children to exercise their will and choose.  So we don't force their hand by way of excessive use of consequences.  

Boundaries are the lines we draw or the lines that naturally exist that should not be crossed.  When we pair a boundary with a consequence we let our child know what the outcome will be if the boundary is crossed.  We don't do this by means of a threat, but by way of information.  It helps a person make an informed choice when they know what will or could happen if they choose one way or the other.  Of course we know how we want them to choose, but we need to back off a bit and let them choose and let them experience the results of their choosing.  When they choose well, they can feel the goodness of that internally.  When they choose poorly, they will learn from that too.  And this process of internal choicemaking does actually help build character in ways that the imposition of consequences in a more authoritarian way does not.

So, consequences are good.  The ones that come naturally are the best -- we don't need to exaggerate those nor diminish them.  Sometimes we need to state a consequence with a boundary.  We can do this in love, with an eye towards the future and the growth of our child while we stay on their side and in their corner.  Our children need to exercise their will and make choices -- this is how they grow.  We can allow them experiences including all the emotions and outcomes that come with making either good or poor choices.  Over time this process will have a building and strengthening effect on our children.  Our role can be one of a loving guide, coach and ally as we help them grow in maturity.

Parenting by Heart

Don't tell me what to do.

Isn't that a bit of our nature - all of us?  God knows it.  He says in His Word, "The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase" (Romans 5) and ".. when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died.  I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.  For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. "

So we find ourselves as parents in a sticky-wicket to say the least.  Here we want to instill values in our children that produce the fruit of good character so that apart from us -- when they are not under our watchful eye -- our children will have the internal strength and compass to do what is right on their own initiative.  

And, yet, we are prone to use the very means that God shows us clearly will only cultivate the inclination towards more sin in our children.  We lay out the "law" so to speak.  We say, "Don't hit your brother."  And, what happens?  Maybe in the moment our child stops hitting, but in the long run does this admonishment lead to real, internal heart change?  And there are even those who would add, if you do not spare the rod in conjunction with these "law giving statements" you will effect greater compliance.  So, in other words, if I use physical force and corporal punishment excessively enough, I will force you to abandon your sin nature.  But, God's Word shows us that this just can not be so.  In His Word, in Romans and Galatians and elsewhere, God clearly shows us that the more tightly the law is laid out, the more our flesh rebels and moves towards sin -- even when we wish not to do that very sin!  

I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man I am! (Romans 7:14-24)

So, what are we to do as parents?  The more we impose "law" upon our children, the more they are inclined to disobey.  The external setting of rules seems to run contrary to God's way, at least in and of itself.  Bear with Him (and me) a minute ... There is a way out of this trap:

Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

So, what the law could not do -- make me or my children "behave," Jesus did do by coming to earth and living His life in the likeness of sinful flesh (but free of sin) and then going to the cross on my (and their) behalf.  Never.  Never. Never will I fulfill the law.  Never will my children fulfill the law.  When Paul was writing Romans, he had already been saved by Jesus and was living a sacrificial, God-honoring life.  Yet, he could write, "the law of sin is at work within me!  What a wretched man I am!"   Do you ever feel that way?  I sure do.  I think my children do too.  I mean, we all have the light of our conscience telling us right from wrong and it grieves us to want to do what is right and not be able to live up to it on our own.  And we NEVER will.

Screeecch.

I hear all the "but, but, but" answers coming.  Do you mean to say we should throw away the law and give in?  Should we expect nothing but anarchy and misbehavior from our heathen children? (or even from those children who have accepted Christ as their Savior and Lord?)  Should we cast all hope to the wind and let our children run rampant without discipline?  That is sheer unbiblical heresy!!

Paul asks this same type of question in Romans.  "What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?^"   And he gives an answer: "By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?"  This goes for us and for our children.  But there is one more key element in Romans 8:  

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.  Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.  You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

You see, there truly are two paths in life.  There is the path of legalism, whereby I try to live up to standards on my own power and somehow within that I feel I can make myself (and even others such as my children) comply to the law and earn what the law promises.  Or there is the path of abiding, whereby I plant my roots deep in a relationship with Jesus and knowing my own weakness, I lean on Him for strength and sustenance as a tree digs into the soil for its very life (or as a branch does to the vine) and through Him and His Spirit I am empowered to bear fruit -- even the fruit of obedience to the law.  When my eye is on the law (for myself or my children) I am a behavior-focused, consequence-oriented, rule-imposing parent. But, when my eye is on the heart, I am able to do as Jesus did and does: facilitate relationship that leads to rootedness which is bound to bear good fruit.


How did Jesus go about this process of addressing the heart?  Well, that would be a good thing for each of us to explore on our own.  But, for your sake, I'll tell you what I observe.  He spent time with people.  He asked questions that made them think and self-reflect, and He loved despite brokenness.  When you see Jesus making statements of condemnation, it is to people who claimed to know and follow God, but were leading others astray with false teaching.  Otherwise His way is gentle, loving and forgiving, though not accepting of sin.  When a heart was torn, He asked hard questions and left open spaces for the person to come to grips with their own lack of faith. 

So, you may wonder, do I tell my one son to stop hitting the other?  The answer is, yes I do.  I do tell them what is right and wrong.  But, honestly my direct instruction to stop a sin is the least valuable thing (and probably the least effective) that I do as a mom.  What I do on my better days and more often than not is I engage my sons in dialogue about what kind of persons they want to be and whether the action they chose was one they want to continue in.  I engage the heart.  And, more importantly than all of that, I try to live a life that is one they will emulate because so much more is caught than taught.  My sons do get consequences for poor and sinful choices.  It is sometimes part of what is needed when they are willfully disobedient -- to get their attention so the greater work of heart-changing can occur.  Behavior is always the reflection of what is going on in a heart.  And a heart not bound to Jesus has no alternative but to live for the flesh and sin.  Even when right actions are chosen by an unredeemed heart, a look at the motives will show self at the center. Ultimately only Jesus can release us from this orientation towards life. 

The Pharisees were notorious for crushing spirits with law.  We can parent like that.  From our parental throne we can set out stern laws and exact amazing behavior from our children.  But, do we live as we preach?  Our children know if we do.  Can I ask my son to respect his father while I show that same man, my husband, a spirit of contention?  Can I tell my children to lay off the screens while I sit messaging friends on my phone or checking posts on Facebook?  I must live out what I want them to become.  And that I do, in the same way that they will in time, by walking in the Spirit and Abiding in Jesus.

The law has a place in our lives.  It is good and wonderful.  The evil we see is not in the law, but in the sinful flesh that defies the law.  So, we know and respect the law and yet we fix our eyes, not on the law, but on Jesus.  And we don't moralize our children into good behavior; we don't punish them into it; we love them and we lay out food for their mind which will point them towards what is good; and most of all we focus on our own walk because they are watching what we do more closely than they are following what we say. 

Rhythm vs. Schedule (Part III)

Just say "no."
Nancy Reagan made this slogan famous in the 1980s as she promoted sobriety through a method of refusing to give in to temptation.  In those days you could get the board game (yes, it's true) or a T-shirt, mug, even a baseball bat, all with this slogan emblazoned upon them.

In terms of time and our use (or misuse) of it, I think one of my dearest and most difficult lessons has been learning to just say, "no."  That one little word is so difficult.  I get really serious and dedicated about simplifying my life and keeping our commitments at a minimum and then I can turn around and we are chock-a-block full all over again.  How does this happen, and what is the impact spiritually?

Yesterday was a prime example: County Fair in the morning ... We met some friends there and walked through livestock pavilions, played in the children's area, saw newborn pigs suckling on their mother and spent time petting all sorts of animals.  By the time we got home we were burnt out.  We had planned to return to the Fair tonight since a friend's band was on the main stage.  I called my husband at work and said, "I don't think we should go."  We decided to provide a "consolation" to the boys and we all went out to ice cream after supper.  It was so calm and peaceful in our home tonight.  We didn't miss the Fair even though we did miss seeing our friend play guitar.  Sometimes enough is just enough.  We said "no" to a good thing and in exchange we had a really sweet night of connection as a family and we will all got to bed on time and be fresh for the rest of the week 

In my twenties as I made my way through graduate school, we lived near the beach and met with friends regularly to play volleyball.  One afternoon when I should have been working hard making progress on a reading list or writing my thesis, we got invited to meet friends for a game on the sand.  We got there and only one other person showed up.  I walked to the edge of the water and asked myself why I had felt compelled to go to this game instead of staying the course and getting work done.  I realized I just didn't want to miss out on anything.  In my heart I longed to be included and to get everything I could out of life.  That longing was driving me to over-commit and keep a schedule that left me frazzled and scattered.

It has taken years to learn what that day revealed.  The glimmer of a lesson started that day, but years later I still struggled with saying "yes" when I should say "no."  Reasons for "yes" abound and not all of them come from a healthy place in the heart.  When we get down to it, there is only one reason we need to say "yes" to things and that is that it lines up with what we know God has for us in this day, hour or season. 

Two summers ago my husband and I went through a process of defining our family's mission and vision.  It sounds really nerdy, I know, but I found this wonderful book by Tsh Oxenrider called Organized Simplicity.  In it there is a list of really good questions to help you define your mission.  My husband is not a "let's define our mission" kind of guy, so I had to corner him on long drives to our summer camping trips.  He was a sport.  We answered these questions and through the process we came up with our mission and it has helped us greatly.  We have an idea of what we are about as a family and what each person is being called to by God.  We are now able to say "yes" and (sometimes more importantly) "no" to opportunities by filtering them through our mission. 

Spiritually, our ability to sort and discern has left us what is commonly called, "margin."  And in that margin we have breathing room which means we can serve people when we see needs around us or even, as we did tonight, turn the whole plan around and go in another direction without causing havoc. 

What is it that keeps you from saying "no" more often?  Or, if you have been learning more about the blessings of healthy limits and knowing your purpose, I'd love to hear about that too.