Boundaries, Consequences and Relationship in Parenting

I have done a lot of thinking of late about the role of consequences in a child's life.  I thought I was going to write about consequences in the series I did on character development in children, but then God led me to focus much more on His role and our role as parents instead.  So, I have had to wait for an entirely different post to consider this topic out loud.

I have been thinking about what we, as parents, often think consequences will do for our children.  And I have realized that sometimes we are under the misguided impression that using consequences will influence our children so that they will make good choices and those good choices will turn them into good people.  Of course this is errant thinking on so many levels.  I discussed this in my series on character and in a post called "Parenting by Heart" as well.

Consider this situation which happened in my home:
We had been having "screen days" and "no screen days" for some time (screen days were days when my boys could watch something or use the computer and no-screen-days were, well, when they couldn't).  The problem became that I was always still asked if it were a screen day or not and if they could watch screens.  The focus (in their hearts) on screen use was not diminishing and fading into the background.  We have a limited number of total hours a week screens could be used (7 hours a week maximum) and they kept a tally on the white board.  Again, this seemed to make them think about using screens a lot.  In some weird course of events, my oldest preteen son and I simultaneously had this thought that we should do away with screen days and no-screen-days and we should just see how it goes.  When the boys want to watch something, they ask.  I can say "yes" or "no" based on what I feel is appropriate.  Granted this takes their self-control and internal monitoring out of the picture (which is our ultimate parental goal) but it helps build in something else that I think is a precursor to self-control and that is a diminished interest in the screen altogether.

Well, we have been going along in the new way of screen-use in our home and we are bumping up against a new issue as we do.  My eldest will probably make a good lawyer some day.  When he or his brother would ask to use screens and I would say, "no," he would start asking about "what if," and "when" and "could we just ..."  He wasn't trying to be defiant or undermine me.  He just is persistent and doesn't always agree with my decision about things.  So, he respectfully asks to change that decision.  We have had this come up in several areas lately -- this second-guessing or need to push the edges a bit.  It's totally appropriate for his age, so I get it.  But, nonetheless, it wasn't helping the whole "let's minimize the emphasis on screens around here" goal.  So, I sat down with him and said, "You know, lately when I say, 'no' about screens, you push and prod trying to change my mind.  You ask about other times and you make it more of a focus when the whole goal is to make this less of a focus.  I have decided something.  If you can't take my 'no' answer, we will go to Saturday only screen day.  We won't have screen use six days a week.  That will take all questions out of the question and it will eliminate this struggle we keep going through.  I want to address this deeper issue of you needing to buck up against my "no" answers, okay?"  He totally understood what I was saying and he said, "Yeah, you are right, Mom, I was pushing too much." 

Now, here's the kicker.  His character will develop from this interaction.  He will become more self-controlled.  But, it wasn't the pending threat of a consequence that was the change agent.  What happened was that he was engaged relationally and respected and he was told an outcome (and saw that even though the outcome was undesirable, it would be implemented for his good) and he was given the open room to choose to agree and work along with the situation or not.  Ultimately it is up to him.  I have a boundary in place: I won't be argued with about my "no" answers about screen use.  I stated what would happen if the boundary is crossed: We'll go to Saturday only screens.  I communicated in love and with his interest at heart: I want to help you grow in this area because it isn't good for you.  I gave him the power to choose: You can honor the boundary, or choose the consequence.

Now, this could have gone another way.  I could have said, when he started in with the bartering and pushing limits, "You have pushed my limits too many times.  When I say 'no' I mean it and you will listen to my 'no' and obey and you will do that with a cheerful look on your face and a cheerful heart behind that look.  From now on if you ever say anything but, 'yes ma'am' when I say 'no' to you, you will lose your screens and only have Saturday screen time."  The approaches are the same with regards to facts: When I say no, I mean it; You need to go along with that; If you don't you lose something. 

The two approaches are actually worlds apart.  In the first example, I am not forcing my son's hand.  I am not dictating what he should or shouldn't feel while he does or doesn't choose to obey me.  The choice is his.  He gets to exercise his will (which will build his character) and he gets to hear my heart about how I want to help him grow (which encouraged him enough that he actually willingly joined my efforts by cooperating). My parenting isn't all touchy-feely, loosey-goosey without boundaries or consequences, but I don't demand behavior nor do I demand a certain emotion (cheerfulness) in response to my authoritative statements.

We can give our children the impression that the only acceptable emotion is "cheerfulness."  A thorough study of the perfect life of Jesus will show that a cheerful response is not always even the godly and perfect response to life.  He exhibited righteous anger, weeping and many other emotions.  God also encourages us to express all emotions to Him in the examples of the Psalmist.  We need to allow our children the internal space to process emotions.  I surely am not instantly cheerful when something doesn't go my way.  I can feel a range of emotions and even act on them sometimes.  Eventually my feelings do line up with my thoughts and what is right in God's sight -- but that can take a     l   o   n  g     time, even at my age.  It is not fair for me to ask my children to express cheerfulness at all times.  It is far better for me to reflect God to them -- He loves us whether we are cheerful or fretful or angry or depressed.  His love is not contingent on our cheerfulness and if we ask our children to be cheerful all the time, we aren't keeping them from feeling other feelings, we are just teaching them that only certain feelings are acceptable and the rest are not -- which may even make them feel at least partially unacceptable altogether over time. 

Consequences come naturally in life.  We all know -- touch a hot stove, get a burn -- there is cause and effect in so much of life.  And those "natural" (God-given and inescapable) consequences are very excellent tools for showing us what choices are good and bad.  If we, as parents, as often as possible let those consequences come as they are (not diminishing them to protect our children from pain -- unless they are in danger -- and not enhancing them to make a point) our children will learn much.  And, then there are times when we must impose consequences, such as, "If you don't go to bed now, you will have to stay in during play time tomorrow to take a nap."  Those are good too.  They are tools of instruction and they help children learn to do what is right and to develop good habits and to make choices which they would not innately do.

But, consequences will only produce certain things: behaviors.  They will not produce changed hearts.  We can become a person who knows how to say "please," "thank you," "yes ma'am" and "no sir," and still have a hateful, unsubmissive heart under the behavior.  Consequences will not make a person good.  Most consequences lead to mere behavior control which will lead to acceptable conduct.  This isn’t all bad as we need to have some order in society and in our homes.  But, we just can’t legislate morality and that truth is applicable at both the macro (governmental) and micro (familial) levels. Though good behavior is important, without a noble heart behind the behavior we miss the mark.  If we are not careful, we can fool ourselves into thinking that our very compliant children have pure hearts when they have merely learned to avoid the shock of punishment. 

Part of why consequences work when they do is when they are used as a part of discipline (instruction) rather than punishment.  God has said, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a hope and a future, ….”  That verse is very familiar to most of us.  We can wear a verse out to familiarity by putting it on bookmarks and picture frames and gifting it to our nephew when he graduates.  Sometimes we have to step back and revisit the familiar and well-worn verses and see them with fresh eyes.  Though this verse (in context) relays God’s message to His people while they are in exile, it holds a truth that is echoed throughout Scripture.  God has a will for us and it is focused upon a hopeful future.  He disciplines with an eye for the future.  Punishment is focused on what was done and a price to be paid.  Discipline (paideuō in Hebrew) is for instruction which has an eye towards the future.  Our goal in discipline is to look towards the future and instruct our children in ways they should walk.

Charlotte Mason said that behavior ought not be forced out of a desire to please someone we love, to avoid a negative consequence or as a response to the art of manipulation.  She referred to that as "suggestion."  What she meant was that a person with power in a relationship should not use that power to make someone else do their will.  The other person with less power should be free to use their will.  They should not feel external constraint to make a given choice because of the more powerful person.  So, as parents, we have to be so careful not to set our children up in a "choice" that really leaves them no choice whatsoever.  The will is strengthened (in the good sense) when it is exercised.  We want our children to exercise their will and choose.  So we don't force their hand by way of excessive use of consequences.  

Boundaries are the lines we draw or the lines that naturally exist that should not be crossed.  When we pair a boundary with a consequence we let our child know what the outcome will be if the boundary is crossed.  We don't do this by means of a threat, but by way of information.  It helps a person make an informed choice when they know what will or could happen if they choose one way or the other.  Of course we know how we want them to choose, but we need to back off a bit and let them choose and let them experience the results of their choosing.  When they choose well, they can feel the goodness of that internally.  When they choose poorly, they will learn from that too.  And this process of internal choicemaking does actually help build character in ways that the imposition of consequences in a more authoritarian way does not.

So, consequences are good.  The ones that come naturally are the best -- we don't need to exaggerate those nor diminish them.  Sometimes we need to state a consequence with a boundary.  We can do this in love, with an eye towards the future and the growth of our child while we stay on their side and in their corner.  Our children need to exercise their will and make choices -- this is how they grow.  We can allow them experiences including all the emotions and outcomes that come with making either good or poor choices.  Over time this process will have a building and strengthening effect on our children.  Our role can be one of a loving guide, coach and ally as we help them grow in maturity.

Our Little Daily Crosses

Jesus said, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." I've been thinking lately about those daily crosses. Into daily life come little inconveniences which require me to set aside what I planned to do and remind me to look to the needs of others.  Some seasons have larger crosses -- when health fails or finances dwindle and resources are tight; when children suffer or friends have burdens that weigh heavy on the mind.  The crosses of relational harm and misunderstanding leave scars and wounds too painful to ignore.  And yet, to be His disciple (student, follower, imitator) I am to take these up and follow Him.

Jesus echoed this idea six times in scripture and may have said it other unrecorded times.  It obviously was and is a vital message to his followers.  One of these incidents gives me pause:  We call him the "rich young ruler" and when he came to Jesus calling Him good and asking what he must do to be saved, this is what happened: Then Jesus beholding him loved him, and said unto him, "One thing thou lackest: go thy way, sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the cross, and follow me." As I read through this passage in Mark 10:21 today I was struck by something I hadn't made note of before.  Jesus, beholding him, loved him.  Jesus loved him.  Jesus loves you in this same way.  And, everything he says to this young ruler was said from that eternal, incomprehensible, self-denying love.  He says, "you lack something," in other words, something stands in the way of your heart coming freely to me.  He says that to you and He says it to me.  We have little idol factories in our hearts and without thought we manufacture things to worship and those things block the way to Jesus.  We must be rid of them.  For this man it was wealth.  We can idolize our children, our marriages, our friendships, our fitness (or the striving for fitness), finances, addictive behaviors or substances.  And those things must be named and they must be given away so we can follow Him. They must take their rightful place in order that He can take His. 

Jesus then admonishes this man to "take up his cross" and follow Jesus.  He says this same command and instruction again in Matt 10: 37-8, Matt 16:24, Mark 8:34, Luke 9:23 and Luke 14:27.  Sometimes he adds that we need to take up our cross, deny ourselves and follow Him.  Other times He says we won't be worthy (equal, congruent with Him) if we do not do this.  When Jesus calls us to deny ourselves He means for us to to "forget our self, lose sight of our self and our own interests" (in the Greek).  How do we lose sight of ourselves?  It's like me telling you not to think about elephants.  There you go.  Thinking about an elephant.  We don't forget something by thinking about it.  But, God knows this and He gives us alternatives.  He tells us to fix our hearts on the things above, not of this earth (Col 3).  He tells us to have the same mind as Christ had, thinking of others as more important than ourselves (Php 2) and He tells us to fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith (Heb 12).  Self-forgetting means God-remembering.  When we are fixed on Him, we are not distracted by self.

What does this self-denial look like in the day-to-day of our lives?  It means when my four-year-old comes and wants to play Candyland (which to me is akin to Chinese-water-torture), I fix my eyes not on my own comfort or desires, but on his desire to connect and play something he enjoys with me.  I set aside my wishes for his.  It means when my husband wants to talk about details of his day and I really want to check my Facebook notifications, I set the computer down and give him my undivided attention because he matters and I love him.  By letting his need be more important than my little habit of social media, I am dying to self and showing him (and Jesus) love.  Little crosses.  Little deaths to self.  Insignificant as these seem, they are the way of the cross.  The cross-centered life means giving up of my way, my wants, my desires, my comfort so that I can love you and thereby love Him simultaneously.  And we all have daily little crosses. 

Sometimes the crosses are heavier.  They are more burdensome.  There are offenses and rejections from friends and loved ones that sting like a barbed arrow into our heart.  There are afflictions like cancer, MS, or other illnesses which beset us or our loved ones.  And still Jesus encourages us to take them up.  In Greek the word for take up means to "raise up" or "bear."  As it is used in the verses in Matthew it means "to take what is one's own, or to take to one's self and make one's own."  I need to make these burdens my own as Jesus made the cross His own.  He bore it for me -- for you.  I can bear these afflictions for Him.  I have a few friends whose children are seriously ill.  One friend has a son with diabetes.  She gets up many times each night and checks his blood sugar, administers medications or protein, prays, serves and sacrifices.  Her life is one of constant vigilance for his sake.  She is taking up her cross.  I have another friend whose daughter suffers from severe eczema.  Her daughter wakes scratching herself and crying from the pain of itching.  She wakes and gives her daughter a bath to soothe her.  My friend is tired and weary of the constant giving and her own sleep deprivation, but she is taking up her cross.  She is making the suffering of her daughter her own.  She is bearing it

Matthew Henry said, "We must accustom ourselves to all instances of self-denial and patience.  This is the best preparative for martyrdom. We must live a life of self-denial, mortification [putting ourselves to death], and contempt of the world; we must not indulge our ease and appetite, for then it will be hard to bear toil, and weariness, and want, for Christ. We are daily subject to affliction, and we must accommodate ourselves to it, and acquiesce in the will of God in it, and must learn to endure hardship. We frequently meet with crosses in the way of duty; and, though we must not pull them upon our own heads, yet, when they are laid for us, we must take them up, carry them after Christ, and make the best of them." This type of self-denial and death to self is no longer popular in our world -- even our Christian circles.  But, Jesus isn't about popular.  His message is the same today as it was when He walked among men and said these life-shaking comments years ago. 

Strong's defines the cross as "a well known instrument of most cruel and ignominious punishment, borrowed by the Greeks and Romans from the Phoenicians; to it were affixed among the Romans, down to the time of Constantine the Great, the guiltiest criminals, particularly the basest slaves, robbers, the authors and abetters of insurrections, and occasionally in the provinces, at the arbitrary pleasure of the governors, upright and peaceable men also, and even Roman citizens themselves."  The cross isn't cozy.  It is a tool of death.  It hurts.  It is uncomfortable.  It is sometimes shameful and lonely.  Why should our cross be any different than His? 

We must take up this instrument and to it we must affix our own self.  And we take it up as Jesus did.  In Hebrews 12: 2 we are told Jesus took up the cross and thereby "finished our faith" and He did it "for the joy that was set before him."  He "endured the cross, despising [disregarding, thinking nothing of] the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."  This is the promise of the cross.  We can take it up, as painful as it may be, and we can do it with joy set before us.  The cross is the precursor to resurrection.  There must be a death before there can be new life.  We must die to self and in that dying we will be reborn in newness and more Christ-likeness.  The cross is never the final word for Christians.  It is a pathway to freedom and joy and wholeness.

Mike Donehey of the band, Tenth Avenue North, said,

The cross is evidence to our minds, and balm for our souls that our God is a God who brings beauty out of pain. Art out of chaos. Beauty out of ugliness. Or as some of the poets have said, He conquers death by death itself. Our Redeemer beat Death at his own game.

Hope rises.

When we trust Christ, and the mysterious work on Calvary, we trust that He’s always up to something good even in the darkest days. In fact, that’s probably when He’s up to the most good, because that’s when the most good grows in me.

Each cross has its purposes and every cross promises blessings as fruit of our suffering.  In 1 Cor 1:18 Paul reminds us that the cross seems foolish to those who are perishing (the ones who are rejecting Jesus), but to us who are saved it is the power of God.  The cross is the way of power.  As in most things in God's kingdom there is this upside-down way.  We go to death and we find power.  We let go of our way and we find strength.  We suffer and we are freed.  It seems foolish in the world's eye to let go of our way, to yield to the troubles life brings and allow them to have their way in our heart and character.  But, in God's economy, this is the way of peace and life.  It is the crushing of the wheat that produces flour which has so many uses.  It is the crushing of our will that produces great usefulness as well. 

Paul reminds us in Gal 6:14 that through the cross we are crucified to the world and the world is crucified to us.  We can boast only in this cross -- the cross of Jesus.  It is the gate that leads us to relationship with God and it is the act which showed His love like nothing else before or since.  Ultimately the cross is a tool of reconciliation (Eph 2:16).  Through the cross Jesus reconciled us to God; He reconciled all people to one another; and He offered forgiveness to all.  Through my crosses I can do the same.  I can offer forgiveness because it was offered to me and at a great price.  I can show love -- and I can show it at a cost to myself.  But, unlike Jesus, who was forsaken for our sakes, when we take up our crosses we are not forsaken, but we are united to Him even more than before.  So, whether it be inconveniences or burdens we can bear these crosses with an eye to what they hold: the joy set before us as we grow in Him and His love.

Character vs. Conduct - Part III

So far in this series we have been looking at the developing of a noble character in our children.  In my first post we looked at what character is and in my second post we looked at the process by which God develops character.  We left off thinking of character development being rooted and grounded in love and we looked at the vital role of parental modeling by way of our own abiding relationship in Jesus as we acknowledge that more is caught than taught.  I mentioned at the end of my last post that I was going to tackle the concept of consequences and what role (if any) they play in character formation.  

As I thought and prayed about this post, I really spent time thinking through my own experiences – what has brought around significant change in my character throughout my life?  And I thought about my two sons – what areas do I see strength (even nobility) in their character and what seems to have brought that to pass?  These are really interesting questions to ponder.  I encourage you to think them through. 

One thing that has become evident to me as I have been thinking through character and conduct is that I think we tend to confound two different aspects of parenting.  One aspect is the necessary role of discipline or instruction of our children and the other aspect is the cultivation of character.  I think there is a good reason that we mingle these two together – at least the more I looked at my own tendencies, I found out some things which were important to see.  If I believe that something I do is bound to produce a lasting character change in my child, I feel more of a sense of control.  Parenting is a wild ride to say the least.  From the moment of conception we are profoundly connected to another human being and that person is dependent upon us in a way that is truly overwhelming and precious.  From birth onward their lives are intimately woven into our souls.  Now, top that off with some normal issues like the need to have others like and approve of us or the need to feel like we can keep our children from harm, and we have a formula for needing a sense of control.  The more fear we feel, the more we need power over them and their lives.  So, we are tempted to grasp onto parenting beliefs and methods which help us quell those fears and give us a pseudo-comfort.  One of the things we are bound to do is to tell ourselves that the discipline approaches we choose are invariably going to lead to positive outcome in the character of our children.  And, when we see immediate results in their conduct, we feel better.  We tell ourselves that this compliance is good fruit.  

Discipline (instruction) is necessary and I am sure I will go into that further in future posts, but for our sake here, I want to sort of set it aside because the more I look at it, the more I see that we will never create good character through discipline alone.  There are several good reasons this is so.  

For one thing, outward conformity (conduct) is not a proof of inward transformation.  We ask our children to practice certain habits and demonstrate certain behaviors, but those habits and behaviors in themselves (though very good) are empty, according to Jesus if they are not rooted in a relationship with Him and fueled by our love for Him and His grace and love for us.  Remember the Pharissees?  They were called "white-washed tombs" because they were perfect in their conduct, but they lacked character to support the conduct.  No one wants to be in the business of instilling a Pharisee heart in their own child, but too much emphasis on conduct will do just that – it is legalism plain and simple.  

Dallas Willard said we must become the type of people who would easily do the things that Jesus commands us to do.  That is character: when our knee-jerk reaction is to bless and not curse or to tell the truth or to give and sacrifice.  And, as Dallas taught (echoing teachings of the wise Jesus followers from many previous generations) character like that comes by practicing spiritual disciplines in an abiding life.  As we dwell with Jesus, He leads us into an ever deepening relationship with God and from that relationship comes the power to be the people He wants us to be.   This is true for us, and it is true for our children.  

We desire a deep and pervasive goodness in our children and we must know that much of that territory is not ours to touch.  Just as the internal organs are "out of reach" and "protected" from the direct touch of a human being, God has placed the character of our children out of our direct reach.  We can touch the "skin," but not the essence.  That territory is His alone.  

"Eternal living is an interactive relationship with God that touches us to the deepest core of our being and gives us the strength not only to envision what is good, but to live for it. Walking in that relationship transforms the inner dimensions of human personality. That’s what is called integrity. Integrity is a matter of all the dimensions of yourself being integrated with one another so that they function together because you have brought your will to trust in God and through that, every dimension of your personality—your mind, your body, your feelings, what your body is ready to do, and the depths of your soul, which is normally fractured by sin—is healed." ~ Dallas Willard (quote via Elane O'Rourke)

Our children are fractured as we are.  We all have sin in our hearts.  Nothing – no great parenting approach, no educational method, no group of godly friends and perfect environment – will ever heal that fracture.  The only restorative agent in the entire universe is the love of God at home in that same fractured heart.  And, when a person does allow Him in, the healing begins and persists because it is for freedom that He sets us free and He just won’t settle for less than that.  He is relentless about our character development.  It is His very will. 

As Charlotte Mason wrote, “… character is original disposition, modified, directed, expanded by education, by circumstances; later, by self-control and self-culture; above all, by the supreme agency of the Holy Spirit, even when that agency is little suspected and as little solicited … character is not the outcome of a formative educational process; but inherent tendencies are played upon, more or less incidentally, and the outcome is character.”

I hear this: character is a part of God’s original design and we don’t have to pour it in or train it up as much as we have to draw it out.  He already created character within your child and mine.  It is in His image and yet uniquely them.  Yes, it is marred by sin, but it is also present and alive.  And it will be impacted by circumstances, and expanded – yes expanded – by education, but ABOVE ALL the Holy Spirit will act upon the character of a child in a subtle and imperceptible way over time.  God breathes through us, so completely and so gently we hardly feel it.  And, hear this, what I heard: the process is not overt and formulaic.  It is somewhat nebulous and unseen.  

God is at work at every level to transform us once we are His.  And this is true of our children as well.  We are given the privilege of partnering in that process, but let us not fool ourselves into thinking our contribution to be greater than it is.  God is at work in our children to will and do His good pleasure.  It is not our parenting which will render a character, but His good and perfect will and His loving touch.

Character development is much like cultivating a garden.  We till and amend the soil, we plant good seed, we water, nourish, weed, and in due season we see fruit.  The fruit of child rearing may not be in the season of planting and tending.  It may come much later.  And, as in gardening there are all sorts of variables which will bear influence on the process and the outcome.  

I'm harping on this fact -- the fact that so much relies on being in right relationship to God (the child coming into that relationship sincerely and then growing bit by bit in an interactive relationship) because I know the temptation to take a more prominent role in the process than is right or good.  Character development in a child may be boiled down to trust.  It may simply come down to our abiilty to entrust our children to their loving God and then to fix our eyes on Him and on our own walk with Him.  It involves by way of practice the allowance of natural consequences -- with no need on our part to enhance, highlight nor diminish those -- and it must be bathed in prayer.  

If you are like me and after all this talk about letting go and knowing it is God at work you still crave some marching orders, I would say this:  if you want to develop a noble character in your child, abide in God's love yourself; keep your eyes on your own walk; love others (including your spouse and your children) despite their failings; allow natural consequences to have their impact unhindered; and pray.  

I truly intended to talk about consequences, and yet, God took me down this trail instead.  I am relatively sure my next post (and final in this series) will be about the role of education in character formation and what we can do (oh, how we want to do something!) to help shine a light while the fruit of character is growing in unseen places.  Join me here for more in a few days if you will …

Character vs Conduct - Part II

We are exploring the wonderful and trepidation filled process of helping our children to develop noble character.  In the first post we looked at what a character is and the process God has highlighted as the means for developing character.  The process is grounded in God’s love for us while we are sinners.  He died in our place and demonstrates His love on the Cross – so that His love is given to us at the right time when we are yet powerless.  Then, as life goes, we encounter trials and burdens and we can rejoice in the trials because they bear the fruit of perseverance which develops our character which makes us the type of people who can hope in the trustworthy God – because He proves His love as He transforms us through trials and we grow closer to Him and resemble Him more as we endure.  

So, what does all this have to do with our children and their character development? 

I think there are several important things we can look at and apply well and confidently:

First of all, we can see that character development starts with love – God’s love.   He gives that love, not according to our merit or worth or performance or conduct.  He loves us while we are sinners.  As a matter of fact, He doesn’t just love in a touchy-feely, “I love you” type of way.  He actually goes to the lengths of ultimate self-sacrifice while we are powerless sinners.  We all have heard of this unconditional love and we give it a good Christian head-nod.  How long has it been since you sat in His presence and pondered the depths of truth contained in this all-too-familiar story of sacrifice?  God’s love is not a love that says, “Did you clean your room?”  “Ok, then, come give me a hug and we can do something fun.”  His love is given – freely, fully and with great cost to Himself – before we ever do anything worth loving.  Unconditional, sacrificial, holy love is the ground upon which character-development begins.  Always.  Real and meaningful heart-transformation, below-the-surface changes come from being rooted and grounded in His love.  

Consider our role as a parent.  The children in our care will look to us for leadership and guidance and Jesus has said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.  Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.  For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  When you think of parenting do you see it this way?  Do you imagine emulating Jesus and serving those in your care – even to the point of giving your life?  Do you do this when they are powerless and still stuck in sin?  That is the foundation of the love that develops character.  Jesus didn’t come to be served, but to serve.  We are encouraged by His example to “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  Can we parent like that?  Can we, in humility consider our children as more important than ourselves and look to their interests instead of our own?  This is the high calling of motherhood.   Real transformation occurs when God’s love moves through us and the reality of His care is transmitted to our children while they are powerless sinners.  

We cannot muster this humility nor can we muster the love and delight God has for us.  But, we can access it, be transformed by it ourselves and then we can be vessels by which He reaches them and they come to know the truth and security of His deep and eternal love for each of them.  That brings me to the second key to character development in our children.  

The passage in Romans talks about gaining a proven character as we persevere through trials rooted and grounded in God’s unconditional love for us.  And the result is that we have hope that doesn’t disappoint.  We must focus on our own character development.  Don’t miss what I am saying here.  It seems to me, that once I had children, this shift took place in me wherein my focus became about them instead of about me.  Now before you give me the Nobel Peace Prize for altruism, know that self was still at the hidden center of this shift.  I was, of course, in love with my sweet boys and I wanted to care for them and give them all I could.  But, side by side with this pure mother’s love was this desire to see them be perfect accompanied by a fear of all the things that could go wrong in their lives.  That's a Molotov cocktail for parenting.  In the early years of motherhood I saw my child as a reflection as myself and their behavior as a statement of my worth as a mother.  I wasn't consciously aware of the depth of this skewed outlook, though I had glimpses of it.  If my two-year-old was throwing a tantrum at someone’s home, I felt a tad mortified that I didn’t have “control” of my child.  I was concerned that his normal (albeit sometimes sinful) behavior would make me the brunt of judgment and rejection.  What happens?  We moms (and dads to a lesser extent) become susceptible to the temptation to make our children into little projects.  We seek to control them and control the variables that we think impact their lives.  We stop trusting God and we start playing God.  When you read through the Romans passage, you don’t see God expressing his desire to fix us and make us whole so He will look good.  He gives love – He gives Himself – before we do anything to deserve it.  

So, we have to be aware of this insidious urge to see our children as a project and then to “work on them” all the time.  God expresses His relationship to us in words of delight.  He says we are the apple ofHis eye ; He says He delights in us ; and He doesn’t just say it, He shows it.  He is mindful that we are dust and doesn’t expect us to do what we just cannot do without Him.  And if you will remember here, without Him we can do nothing of value.   How would we expect more of our children?  

The proverbial saying that more is caught than taught is true.  How many times have you heard your children speaking to one another using a phrase or tone of voice either you or your spouse use?  The modeling we do as we live life is a large part of what will shape their personality and character.  God asks us, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”  When we focus on our children and their conduct, we can end up exacting behavior from them without even mastering that behavior in ourselves. 

As parents, we need to look at our own lives and our own character.  We need to focus on ourselves at least twice as diligently as any correcting we do of them.  And, likewise, we need not view ourselves as some project of God’s.  He surely says we are His workmanship, but He makes it abundantly clear that His love is unmerited and everlasting regardless of our behavior or progress.  He also makes it clear that we are His workmanship – as we abide in Him we will bear fruit.  He will do that in us as we abide.  Yes, we do participate in our own sanctification, but His love preempts any transformation and is never contingent upon our conduct.  He is in the business of "cleaning us up" but it isn't so that He will find us lovable. 

I’ll share a story here.  I have a dear friend from England and she is a delightful person to be around.   She is calm and sweet and very loving.  Long before I had my own children, My husband and I were with her family one day.  Her four-year-old at that time was worn out and as she was getting him into the van, he turned to her and vehemently said, “I hate you!”  She turned to him and said, “Oh, dearie, I love you.  I am sorry you feel you hate me right now.   How can I help you?”  I have to confess that I was in shock.  As my husband and I got in the car I told him that I, for one, was never going to have children who said, “I hate you” to me, and if they did, I would not allow it (you will remember I had not yet had children and I had a LOT of growing to do).  I still loved and admired my friend, but I just couldn’t imagine that she would answer such defiant and ugly behavior with such a tender and loving response.  I thought surely she was only permitting this behavior to go on and get worse.  Well, a number of years later (after I had my second son) these same friends were in the States and we all got together.  All three of her children were so calm, sweet and very loving.  They were the picture of her and her husband.  They carried themselves in much the same ways as their parents.  Each of them was unique, but they all bore a mark – a character – which was strikingly alike to their parents.  More had been caught than taught.   And since my friend was not one prone to raising her voice, expressing resentment or retaliation, but instead offered sympathy, care and concern for her children, they showed the mark of that care and gave it readily to others without any thought.  It was a part of who they were to act with sincere tenderness, as she did.  It had become their character.  She didn’t “work” on building this up in them.  If she “worked” on anything it was her own humble relationship to God and her ability to grow in Him and His love and to reflect His love to her own children despite their failings.  There were consequences in her home, but they were never primary and they were based in love, and they were given when needs had been factored in and security and love had been conveyed.  

So, for now, I’ll leave you with these two thoughts: 

Character development is rooted in love – God’s sacrificial love for unworthy, helpless sinners.  We can demonstrate that love to our children.  We’ll not muster it, but we can be the vessel by which He pours His transforming love out into their lives and hearts as we cling to Him and allow Him to work through us.  

More is caught than taught.  Our children will emulate our example and our hidden value systems and our quirks and so much more.  They will certainly learn from experience and from many other factors around them as well.  When it comes to character development, developing our own character is paramount to ever helping them develop their own.  We must resist the urge to turn our children into a project and instead embrace them and delight in them as we focus on our own abiding relationship with God.  

In my next post I’ll be discussing the role of consequences in character development …

Character vs. Conduct (Part 1)

There has been some conversation lately in a group of moms who meet regularly to discuss the application of the principles and methods of Charlotte Mason.  We are intrigued and exploring the idea of focusing on developing character versus concentrating on managing conduct.  I am embarking on the task of looking this question in the eye and coming up with some tangible and practical ideas.  This post will be the first in a series about character development in children.

So, how do we go about facilitating the development of a noble character within a child?

We are doing just that – at least influencing the development of a character – every day in our myriad of relational exchanges, in the ways we behave and in the things we value (really value).  

Maybe we should look at what character really is before we try to develop it.  In Greek a kharakter was a stamping tool, used to give something a distinctive mark.  Character alludes to the essential quality of something.  Herbert Spencer was noted to say, “Education has for its object the formation of character.”  In this sense, Mr. Spencer was probably speaking more towards the issue of ethics and the fact that “good” or “moral” character would have distinguishing features which aligned with deep moral truths [Though he, himself was an agnostic, he held to universal moral principles].   And in his opinion, the natural consequences of life – completely unaltered for either lesser or greater impact – were the very tools of character development at every age and stage.  Martin Luther King said he looked forward to the day when “all Americans would be judged solely by the content of their character.”  He was pointing beyond appearances and actions to the essence of a person.  In the Bible we could think of the character as the “heart” as in “out of the mouth, the heart speaks.”  It is the seat and source of action. 

We Christians have a slightly different language when we speak of character.  We can speak of the soul, which is differentiated from spirit in the Bible (as in where God says, “The Word of God is alive and active.  Sharper than any two edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit … it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”)  The soul might be seen as the part of us created in the image of God – it is not subject to the vicissitudes that impact the spirit.  God uses the words heart, spirit and will interchangeably in His Word.  And into this sacred space we walk when we talk about “character development.”  What we are really talking about is formation – being formed – and as in the stamping process implied by the Greek word kharakter, there are impressions being made upon hearts in our care and those impressions are formative. 

God speaks about being noble or excellent and some translations of verses with those words include the word “character,” but in the original Hebrew, there was no such wording used.  It is implied in the Hebrew phrasing that this nobility or excellence resided in a person’s mind or heart.  

In the New Testament (Romans 5), God talks about character development along a continuum.  He uses the word “dokimē” which means something proven through trial.  And this progression of character development begins with the concept of glorying in our sufferings.  Not in them alone, but in the fact that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance produces character; character produces hope; and that hope does not put us to shame (or deceive us so that we will be ashamed of having hoped in the first place); because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us: You see – at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly … but God demonstrates His own love for us in this.  While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  

Let’s unpack that section of Scripture and see how it relates to character development.  First of all, the foundation is not our suffering, even though that is the first thing mentioned.  The foundation, if we read further, is God’s love.  God’s love starts the whole deal.  Here we are sinners (bad conduct proceeding from bad character) and what does God do?  He dies for us.  He demonstrates His own love in that: the Cross – Himself in our place.  And, as we accept that gift, His love is poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given us.  There’s the love AGAIN: given to the powerless at just the right time.  So, now we go through suffering of different kinds, and as we do, we “glory” in them.  We boast and we rejoice, but not in THEM, those sufferings, but in the product they bring which is perseverance.  For character development we need that more than anything – inspired staying power to hold fast to what is good and true.  And how do we get it?  Perseverance only comes through experiencing suffering, (pressure, trials or burdens).  But we surely each know many people who have suffering and are not producing perseverance or any good thing.  They are like buildings without foundations.  Don’t forget that the whole process is built upon love, fueled by love and comes to fruition in love.  Without God and His love, suffering is useless and hopeless.  So, we rejoice in our suffering and we get the tool of perseverance and that brings about another gift which is character.  The heart is transformed into more of Christ’s likeness and we own something deep within ourselves which has been proven by trial.  His love was proven by trial – on the Cross.  And when we have that likeness of character, we have hope because we have weathered storms and held fast and what remains has proven worthy and we can put stock in it – in God’s love and the transformative effects it has in us.  Not disappointing at all.  

So we can see a little more clearly what a character is and where it resides within us (and within our children) and the process by which God has ordained for character development.  We may ask now, “Well, what do we DO?”  I mean, we have to DO something, right?  It isn’t like this is all going to happen in a vacuum.   

 Well, hang in there, that will be the discussion of my next post …