I bumped into another mom at the grocery today. She homeschools her children as well. I mentioned to her my wild-hair idea ... "I just want to take December off as far as anything majorly academic and just focus on Advent and being a blessing to others." Instead of nodding at me and saying, "We all feel that way," which actually means, "You really shouldn't do that because it is irresponsible," she said, "You know, I read a blog post by Elizabeth Foss years ago about her doing just that and it motivated me and we did the same thing. We still read rich literature, but it was all related to Advent. We just shifted our focus and slowed down to make memories that matter in this season."
Memories that matter.
How often do we rush ahead with our agenda, fearing we'll miss some crucial piece of necessary educational input and forget to make memories that matter? Our children will become more of what we imagine they can be when they are grounded in a family that slows down, cultivates a loving atmosphere and makes memories that matter.
Showing posts with label Home Education. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Home Education. Show all posts
Monday, November 25, 2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
So You Think You Want to Homeschool ... But what if your kids are wierd? (Part 7 - last in series)
We've been going through a series addressing concerns that face many families as they consider home education. We've addressed issues like adjusting to your first year, picking curriculum, juggling the demands of multiple children, overcoming perfectionism, coming to an agreement with your husband, social opportunities for homeschoolers, preparing your child for college as a homeschooler, teaching subjects which are not your forte and learning to work in time alone when you are around your children all the time. The last concern I will address in this series is
#10: Are my kids going to be weird? (I'm just sayin') ...
You may want to watch this humorous video to hear seven lies people believe about homeschoolers and some of what the reality is like for most of us.
#10: Are my kids going to be weird? (I'm just sayin') ...
You may want to watch this humorous video to hear seven lies people believe about homeschoolers and some of what the reality is like for most of us.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Some Encouragement for Those Moms New to Home Educating
I just finished a series on "So You Think You Want to Homeschool ..." and that got me to thinking about our first year of home education. While it had so many high points and a lot of growing (which didn't come without the proverbial growing pains!), we also had some really hard times that first year. I was such a perfectionist and I wanted to do this homeschooling thing well -- really well. I was really afraid of letting my child down, of failing, of being the very reason he didn't succeed in life. It seemed his entire future rested on my shoulders. And, I was learning about curriculum and how to get my son to take education in his home setting seriously (children naturally want to play and relax at home and it is something else trying to teach them to shift gears sometimes).
Saturday, November 2, 2013
When Homeschool Burn Out Hits Hard
Do
you sometimes feel like a big failure as a homeschool mom? We put so
much of ourselves into this process of teaching our children at home and
we sometimes just hit the wall. Hard. I've sure been there.
We all feel this way at different times. I was recently thinking of the difference between this year (which has been really fantastic for us so far) and last year (which was full of stress and many tears and often a feeling of not being able to ever get it together). We were spread so thin with my oldest son participating in a very demanding extracurricular along with his once-a-week Enrichment classes and other commitments. We ended up trying to pack all our formal learning into 3 1/2 days and it just felt so frenetic and crazy most of the time. I was frazzled. We had way too much going on and I was plain-and-simple burnt out.
I happened to bump into a dear friend one day and we got to talking in a parking lot and she said, "Take 10 days off." Oh my word. Are you kidding me? She said, "You would tell me to do that." (I would? oh, yeah, I guess I would.) You see, somehow I have this standard for me that is different from my standard for all the rest of you. But, desperate times call for desperate measures. So, this perfectionistic, driven homeschooler considered a friend's wise encouragement.
I ended up taking my friend's advice. I took off for two whole weeks. At first I was crazy neurotic about "falling behind" and all that, but I just couldn't go forward. During our two weeks off, we did read aloud a bit and my son still did some math (because I didn't tell him we were officially off till later in the two weeks just in case!). I started to breathe. And, you know what? When we got back in the swing of things we were all refreshed and I had revived my sense of "Oh I know why I do this home educating thing" and we were able to get things learned much more quickly because we were revitalized. It wasn't perfect. The whole year was a hard one in some ways -- at least through March with our over-commitment -- but we did much better after that break.
Through that experience I learned a big lesson about taking breaks. They aren't optional. We nailed down a six-weeks-on, one-week-off rotation for our homeschool which gives us enough undivided time for learning and then that glorious seventh week of rest -- it's a sabbath week. And we always seem to need it just when it comes around. I also used the summer months after that crazy year to take a hard look at what we were trying to do with our time. We all have heard the wisdom -- add in something new, take out something you were already doing. Well, I just thought that was for "other people." Humble pie. I realized we had to cut things out and we had to say, "no." If you have not yet done this excruciating practice, let me just forewarn you it is tough stuff. I mean, there are so many wonderful things we can say "yes" to. But, a dear friend reminded me that just because something is good doesn't mean it is good for me and my family. So we backed out of that really big commitment, which just so happened to be my son's very favorite thing he had ever done in his life (quoting here). And we backed out of taking enrichment classes -- which means we don't as easily or as often see our good friends who go there. And we said, "no" to formally being on a soccer team and "no" to taking on gymnastics and a myriad of other opportunities. And even now, we have to keep up this practice of "no, thanks." We get invites to park dates and classes and field trips. We don't say, "no" to all of them, but we are super-choosey. It means missing out on a lot of things, but it also means we are home enough to get things done educationally and we are not running like mad hens from one thing to the next. And, you know, my dear friend saw us the other day and she commented on how very content my son seems this year. It's paying off.
There will be seasons of really being productive and seasons when life hits us with a blindside and for one reason or another we have to slow or stop. When you give birth, when your infant starts to toddle (aka tear apart the house like a team of demolition specialists), when you add in a child to the number you are formally "schooling," when you move, your spouse changes a job, your car breaks down, you get ill, your children get ill, you have houseguests ... it goes on and on. Life has disruptions and they do impact our ability to educate for a time. Give yourself the same grace you would extend to a friend in your shoes. You will get back to educating in some organized manner in due time. Find out what works in the season you find yourself. Stop pining away for the ideal and live in what is real. We are in this for the long haul with our children and we have to know that there will be times of big-impact learning and times of learning other not-so-measurable, but oh-so-valuable skills like how to get along with others, how to entertain yourself when you are bored, how to sacrifice for the needs of others and how to give yourself grace (which they will learn as they watch you extend it to yourself now).
When we look honestly at the wall, it is often our own expectations of ourselves that cause us to just want to quit. We just don't let ourselves off the hook. We can be so hard on ourselves and set such high expectations that we just feel worn out before we even begin. Our children are learning all the time. We have to remember that. I remember sweating it out that my oldest son couldn't keep his parts of speech straight in second grade. I went to the resource center downtown and made this fancy chart with pockets labeled for each part of speech. It took me longer to make the chart than it did for him to learn the parts of speech. Once we sat down and went over it a few times, he got it. That experience was an "ah-ha" for me. We can stress over our children's learning and we forget that they will learn in time. And we will never teach them everything they need to know. Is that what any school is doing? Why do we expect it of ourselves? Think about all you learned in life. Did you retain all you learned in elementary school? Jr. High? High School? So much of what I know now, I have learned while I was teaching my children. We can go on learning forever and so can our children. They have time. You have time. We feel like we fall behind, but so much can be caught easily later. I'm not talking about just eating bon bons year after year and hoping the kids turn out okay. What I am talking about is being realistic about what you are able to do in each season for each child and then letting go of what is beyond a realistic expectation. You see, God already knows your limits and He has chosen you to educate these children -- knowing what seasons you will pass through and what challenges you will face, and even knowing about this time of burn-out right now. I'm pretty sure He has a plan and the resources to fill in the blanks. Trust Him more than you trust yourself.
Sometimes in the burn-out we lose sight of why we are doing what we do. It can help to step back and remember why you chose to educate at home. Just take time to enjoy your kids for a bit. Read some good books together. Give them some projects to do on their own. Take some breaks and enjoy lovely areas around where you live. Just reading great literature to your child is one of the best educational experiences you can give them. They learn the cadence of language, grammar, good writing skills and they learn about whatever you are reading. It can be a great way to bridge from burn out just to spend a little time each day reading great books together. Keep your lessons short and then go outdoors and enjoy one another.
As you lighten your own expectations and start to enjoy exploring books and the outdoors together, you are bound to feel a bit lighter. So much more will come from your change in spirit than ever would come from getting through your curriculum. Charlotte Mason says "Education is an atmosphere, a discipline and a life." You help create the atmosphere through your own emotional state as a mom and that means you have to do what it takes to give yourself grace and rest so that you can be all you need to be to your kids. Don't give up. We ALL go through this stage of burn-out. It is a stage and you will look back on it from a different place in a few months.
Our own expectations aren't the only thing that can weigh us down. We can get bogged down comparing ourselves to the public school (our fantasy of what our kids would get if they went there instead) or to other homeschool moms who obviously have it all together and pin it on Pintrest to show it. It is so hard to block out what others think, isn't it? It just hits on all our fears and gets us rolling and gives Satan a Rolodex of things to hold over our heads. We have to remind one another to block out those voices (of the public school, of family who don't support homeschooling, of our own fears) and to just take our children from A to B to C. No child is the same as another. There are developmental stages and milestones, but they hit them differently. So, we just build on what they know and add to it bit by bit without (hopefully) worrying about "should." That "should" is such a trap for us. If you just ask yourself where your child is today and where you want to go, you just take the next logical step towards that end. If they don't know their letters, start with one letter. Once they know it, move forward.
Charlotte Mason thought formal education should only begin at age six. Most of the younger years should be spent hearing wonderful literature read aloud to them and playing out doors and exploring the world. There were a few more things she did with small children, but so much of it was relational, gentle and within the natural course of the day. Our problems can come when we model ourselves after the broken system we now have in the US and we feel we aren't doing what we ought. That system is pushing children into academics way too early and there is fallout. The method used is teaching to the test and that is not conducive to a life long love of learning -- or even to long term retention of facts. If you can, try to put on blinders and just think of this process as giving your child building blocks. What "blocks" do they have (knowledge in a given subject)? Add the next block. Don't worry about who says how many blocks they should already have. That's not important. What is important is moving along with them bit by bit. Later you'll look back and they'll have a lot of accumulated knowledge and it will have come over time. Children naturally learn. We don't have to predigest knowledge for them. They are wired by God to learn and grow. Even children with learning challenges will learn and grow. You can relax, and as you do, you will facilitate their learning far better than when you are tightly wound up with anxiety.
To have some peace of mind you have to take breaks -- daily, weekly and seasonally. By the way, that break you may have thought you had ... the one where you berated yourself and expected too much and felt disappointed and discouraged because the kids weren't doing enough and surely you were going to be the cause of their demise, that wasn't a break. So take one now. A real one -- an internal one -- and relax for a few days or a week and enjoy your children and dwell in Jesus and His real love for you. Then take a half-day or a day and decide what you must do that coming week for them. And do it -- from the renewed place you find after giving yourself a real, legitimate break.
And, you may, as we did, start having to say, "no" to things you really, really want to say, "yes" to. And your kids may get mad at you for a time, or they may have to grieve the adjustment period. But, if it is best for them, in the long run you have to make the decision regardless. And you will all adjust -- and even thrive -- as a result. More importantly than the practical aspects of making more margin in your life, you have to let go of the "shoulds." Put on those blinders and focus on the day at hand, the children in your midst and the reserves you have to give from today. Let go of the expectations of others and of yourself and focus on what your child knows and what they need to know.
We get to be the educators of our children, but, please never let that calling trump your first place in their lives and hearts. You are their mom. They will have many educators in their lives. They will only have one mom. Be mom first. This season will pass you by all too quickly. Do what you need to in order to recharge your own battery and then do what you are able to enjoy and love your children while they are with you.
And know you are not alone. I'll say it again: we all experience burn-out. Expect it as a part of the cycle of home education and don't see it as the end of the world. God is with you. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. You know it is your own self-imposed burden if it is feeling too heavy. You can cast this care on Him because He cares for you. His strength is made perfect in your weakness.
We all feel this way at different times. I was recently thinking of the difference between this year (which has been really fantastic for us so far) and last year (which was full of stress and many tears and often a feeling of not being able to ever get it together). We were spread so thin with my oldest son participating in a very demanding extracurricular along with his once-a-week Enrichment classes and other commitments. We ended up trying to pack all our formal learning into 3 1/2 days and it just felt so frenetic and crazy most of the time. I was frazzled. We had way too much going on and I was plain-and-simple burnt out.
I happened to bump into a dear friend one day and we got to talking in a parking lot and she said, "Take 10 days off." Oh my word. Are you kidding me? She said, "You would tell me to do that." (I would? oh, yeah, I guess I would.) You see, somehow I have this standard for me that is different from my standard for all the rest of you. But, desperate times call for desperate measures. So, this perfectionistic, driven homeschooler considered a friend's wise encouragement.
I ended up taking my friend's advice. I took off for two whole weeks. At first I was crazy neurotic about "falling behind" and all that, but I just couldn't go forward. During our two weeks off, we did read aloud a bit and my son still did some math (because I didn't tell him we were officially off till later in the two weeks just in case!). I started to breathe. And, you know what? When we got back in the swing of things we were all refreshed and I had revived my sense of "Oh I know why I do this home educating thing" and we were able to get things learned much more quickly because we were revitalized. It wasn't perfect. The whole year was a hard one in some ways -- at least through March with our over-commitment -- but we did much better after that break.
Through that experience I learned a big lesson about taking breaks. They aren't optional. We nailed down a six-weeks-on, one-week-off rotation for our homeschool which gives us enough undivided time for learning and then that glorious seventh week of rest -- it's a sabbath week. And we always seem to need it just when it comes around. I also used the summer months after that crazy year to take a hard look at what we were trying to do with our time. We all have heard the wisdom -- add in something new, take out something you were already doing. Well, I just thought that was for "other people." Humble pie. I realized we had to cut things out and we had to say, "no." If you have not yet done this excruciating practice, let me just forewarn you it is tough stuff. I mean, there are so many wonderful things we can say "yes" to. But, a dear friend reminded me that just because something is good doesn't mean it is good for me and my family. So we backed out of that really big commitment, which just so happened to be my son's very favorite thing he had ever done in his life (quoting here). And we backed out of taking enrichment classes -- which means we don't as easily or as often see our good friends who go there. And we said, "no" to formally being on a soccer team and "no" to taking on gymnastics and a myriad of other opportunities. And even now, we have to keep up this practice of "no, thanks." We get invites to park dates and classes and field trips. We don't say, "no" to all of them, but we are super-choosey. It means missing out on a lot of things, but it also means we are home enough to get things done educationally and we are not running like mad hens from one thing to the next. And, you know, my dear friend saw us the other day and she commented on how very content my son seems this year. It's paying off.
There will be seasons of really being productive and seasons when life hits us with a blindside and for one reason or another we have to slow or stop. When you give birth, when your infant starts to toddle (aka tear apart the house like a team of demolition specialists), when you add in a child to the number you are formally "schooling," when you move, your spouse changes a job, your car breaks down, you get ill, your children get ill, you have houseguests ... it goes on and on. Life has disruptions and they do impact our ability to educate for a time. Give yourself the same grace you would extend to a friend in your shoes. You will get back to educating in some organized manner in due time. Find out what works in the season you find yourself. Stop pining away for the ideal and live in what is real. We are in this for the long haul with our children and we have to know that there will be times of big-impact learning and times of learning other not-so-measurable, but oh-so-valuable skills like how to get along with others, how to entertain yourself when you are bored, how to sacrifice for the needs of others and how to give yourself grace (which they will learn as they watch you extend it to yourself now).
When we look honestly at the wall, it is often our own expectations of ourselves that cause us to just want to quit. We just don't let ourselves off the hook. We can be so hard on ourselves and set such high expectations that we just feel worn out before we even begin. Our children are learning all the time. We have to remember that. I remember sweating it out that my oldest son couldn't keep his parts of speech straight in second grade. I went to the resource center downtown and made this fancy chart with pockets labeled for each part of speech. It took me longer to make the chart than it did for him to learn the parts of speech. Once we sat down and went over it a few times, he got it. That experience was an "ah-ha" for me. We can stress over our children's learning and we forget that they will learn in time. And we will never teach them everything they need to know. Is that what any school is doing? Why do we expect it of ourselves? Think about all you learned in life. Did you retain all you learned in elementary school? Jr. High? High School? So much of what I know now, I have learned while I was teaching my children. We can go on learning forever and so can our children. They have time. You have time. We feel like we fall behind, but so much can be caught easily later. I'm not talking about just eating bon bons year after year and hoping the kids turn out okay. What I am talking about is being realistic about what you are able to do in each season for each child and then letting go of what is beyond a realistic expectation. You see, God already knows your limits and He has chosen you to educate these children -- knowing what seasons you will pass through and what challenges you will face, and even knowing about this time of burn-out right now. I'm pretty sure He has a plan and the resources to fill in the blanks. Trust Him more than you trust yourself.
Sometimes in the burn-out we lose sight of why we are doing what we do. It can help to step back and remember why you chose to educate at home. Just take time to enjoy your kids for a bit. Read some good books together. Give them some projects to do on their own. Take some breaks and enjoy lovely areas around where you live. Just reading great literature to your child is one of the best educational experiences you can give them. They learn the cadence of language, grammar, good writing skills and they learn about whatever you are reading. It can be a great way to bridge from burn out just to spend a little time each day reading great books together. Keep your lessons short and then go outdoors and enjoy one another.
As you lighten your own expectations and start to enjoy exploring books and the outdoors together, you are bound to feel a bit lighter. So much more will come from your change in spirit than ever would come from getting through your curriculum. Charlotte Mason says "Education is an atmosphere, a discipline and a life." You help create the atmosphere through your own emotional state as a mom and that means you have to do what it takes to give yourself grace and rest so that you can be all you need to be to your kids. Don't give up. We ALL go through this stage of burn-out. It is a stage and you will look back on it from a different place in a few months.
Our own expectations aren't the only thing that can weigh us down. We can get bogged down comparing ourselves to the public school (our fantasy of what our kids would get if they went there instead) or to other homeschool moms who obviously have it all together and pin it on Pintrest to show it. It is so hard to block out what others think, isn't it? It just hits on all our fears and gets us rolling and gives Satan a Rolodex of things to hold over our heads. We have to remind one another to block out those voices (of the public school, of family who don't support homeschooling, of our own fears) and to just take our children from A to B to C. No child is the same as another. There are developmental stages and milestones, but they hit them differently. So, we just build on what they know and add to it bit by bit without (hopefully) worrying about "should." That "should" is such a trap for us. If you just ask yourself where your child is today and where you want to go, you just take the next logical step towards that end. If they don't know their letters, start with one letter. Once they know it, move forward.
Charlotte Mason thought formal education should only begin at age six. Most of the younger years should be spent hearing wonderful literature read aloud to them and playing out doors and exploring the world. There were a few more things she did with small children, but so much of it was relational, gentle and within the natural course of the day. Our problems can come when we model ourselves after the broken system we now have in the US and we feel we aren't doing what we ought. That system is pushing children into academics way too early and there is fallout. The method used is teaching to the test and that is not conducive to a life long love of learning -- or even to long term retention of facts. If you can, try to put on blinders and just think of this process as giving your child building blocks. What "blocks" do they have (knowledge in a given subject)? Add the next block. Don't worry about who says how many blocks they should already have. That's not important. What is important is moving along with them bit by bit. Later you'll look back and they'll have a lot of accumulated knowledge and it will have come over time. Children naturally learn. We don't have to predigest knowledge for them. They are wired by God to learn and grow. Even children with learning challenges will learn and grow. You can relax, and as you do, you will facilitate their learning far better than when you are tightly wound up with anxiety.
To have some peace of mind you have to take breaks -- daily, weekly and seasonally. By the way, that break you may have thought you had ... the one where you berated yourself and expected too much and felt disappointed and discouraged because the kids weren't doing enough and surely you were going to be the cause of their demise, that wasn't a break. So take one now. A real one -- an internal one -- and relax for a few days or a week and enjoy your children and dwell in Jesus and His real love for you. Then take a half-day or a day and decide what you must do that coming week for them. And do it -- from the renewed place you find after giving yourself a real, legitimate break.
And, you may, as we did, start having to say, "no" to things you really, really want to say, "yes" to. And your kids may get mad at you for a time, or they may have to grieve the adjustment period. But, if it is best for them, in the long run you have to make the decision regardless. And you will all adjust -- and even thrive -- as a result. More importantly than the practical aspects of making more margin in your life, you have to let go of the "shoulds." Put on those blinders and focus on the day at hand, the children in your midst and the reserves you have to give from today. Let go of the expectations of others and of yourself and focus on what your child knows and what they need to know.
We get to be the educators of our children, but, please never let that calling trump your first place in their lives and hearts. You are their mom. They will have many educators in their lives. They will only have one mom. Be mom first. This season will pass you by all too quickly. Do what you need to in order to recharge your own battery and then do what you are able to enjoy and love your children while they are with you.
And know you are not alone. I'll say it again: we all experience burn-out. Expect it as a part of the cycle of home education and don't see it as the end of the world. God is with you. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. You know it is your own self-imposed burden if it is feeling too heavy. You can cast this care on Him because He cares for you. His strength is made perfect in your weakness.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
So You Are Thinking About Homeschooling ... But Most Days You Don't Feel Smarter Than a 5th Grader ... (Part 4 in Series)
If you have been following my last few posts, I've been writing to moms who are thinking about homeschooling and helping to address a few concerns that are common to most people as they consider the option of home education. You can see my original posts here, here and here. Now I'm going to tackle the question: How do I get my homeschooled child ready for college? I will talk in my next post about how to educate in subjects you may not have mastered, or when you did master them, it was so long ago that you have forgotten more than you learned.
First of all, if you are new to home education and your children are still in elementary school or younger, you honestly can bypass the worry of college prep at this point. You may laugh at my having to state the obvious here, but truly, I have seen a staggering trend of younger moms who get into homeschooling with their 3-4 year old (who is not yet even school age) and then they stress about getting them to read or wondering how to balance in learning with playtime, or what to do when this child is not focused during reading times. If your child is under age six, I do not recommend much in the way of formal education. More and more research is coming out to support the truths that Charlotte Mason knew in the late 1800s.
So, for those of you with younger children, if you continue to home educate, you will have plenty of time to prepare for college. Elementary school is not college prep. It is a time for sowing seeds of character formation by developing good habits in an atmosphere of gentleness and gracious love while allowing children to explore a myriad of ideas from rich resources (after age six these resources get incrementally more formal in their presentation, but they remain engaging and varied).
Now, for the rest of you, who may be starting to home educate later in your child's life, you may be asking what I brought up in my original post:
Concern #7. How will I get them ready for college? (or: My inlaws think I'll be ruining their grandkids). Now, I know not all children will aim to go to college. There are a myriad of paths for people to take in this life. I am addressing this concern of being college-ready because so many moms do fear that homeschooling will keep their child out of college and that just is not so. If you consider what the public schools are doing, you will know that pushing youth through subjects at the pace of a group leaves anyone ahead or behind the median out of the loop. The advanced students are bored and are not gaining knowledge at a pace that fits their learning ability. The student who struggles (even in one subject) must jog along with the group whether they grasp subjects or not. Much of "learning" is done merely to pass a test and get a grade (or points) and the student doesn't really get the context of the knowledge they are memorizing. As a result, much is lost after the test is over or the paper is written. By the time the student goes to college, they are "cramming" for the SAT and then using these same study habits -- cram, memorize, regurgitate, forget, repeat ad infinitum -- throughout their life. They have lost the capacity to engage in ideas and hold those ideas and relate to the ideas and their contexts. So, what you will do at home is bound to prepare them way better than what the public school can offer these days.
Remember that we educate our children one year (one day, one experience) at a time. We are educating bit by bit and we can continue to assess their strengths and needs each year and then seek out supports if needed. There are so many supports these days for home educating families. We need not feel that we have to navigate this on our own.
I want to stress here something that has become so real to me over the past few years. When we achieve a greater goal, we meet lesser goals simultaneously, unconsciously and with ease. For example: if I focus on teaching my child so he will learn everything for his SAT so he can go to college, I may succeed at that. And, I may not. But, what I most likely will not do is simultaneously develop a love of learning and expose him to many ideas which are wonderful, life-giving, edifying and helpful (because they do not pertain to the SAT process). However, if I focus on providing a rich curriculum (I use the term "curriculum" to define all materials and experiences employed to educate) and I spread out a daily smorgasbord of learning opportunities, literature, resources and experiences, and then we engage in this process of taking in great ideas, processing them and discussing them, my child will develop a love of learning. My child will grow in his habit of attention (being able to attend to details and retain facts) and my child will gain knowledge that will be useful, not only on the SAT, but in life in general. Over here we study Latin, Shakespeare, Plutarch, History, Foreign Languages, Grammar, Great Literature, Art, Music and much more. My son has a wealth of knowledge and not only that, he is able to make his own associations between different ideas because of the approach we use to learning. Will he pass his SAT? More than likely he will do very well on his SAT. But, that is not my main goal. As I set my eyes on higher goals -- loving God, having a strong moral compass, loving learning and taking in a liberal education in engaging ways -- as we aim for the higher goals, we inadvertently will meet the lesser goal of being prepared for college.
That all being said, I want to give you some practical resources about college preparation. In our town (and probably in most of your towns as well) there are a variety of "umbrella" groups which will keep transcripts for you and will give you the equivalent of guidance counseling to help you as you educate your child at home through High School. There are also blogs like Lee Binz' blog, "The Home Scholar" which specialize in helping equip families to educate their high-school aged child and especially provide guidance about keeping grades and transcripts and preparing for SATs, etc. There are also organizations like College Plus which provide support and guidance for pre-college testing and CLEP testing which can also provide college credits to your high school child prior to them even attending college. They will help you discern the different types of transcripts and options you have as a homeschooling family.
Did you know that More than 45 percent of colleges including renowned postsecondary institutions like MIT, now post admission application procedures specific to homeschoolers. Institutions that have such policies in place are more likely to admit homeschooled students. Knowing the specific requirements of the colleges that interest you can help in planning for the admissions process. It can be helpful, too, if your high school aged child keeps what is known as a portfolio to show to prospective schools -- this can be samples of his best work in each subject throughout his years of high school. For more information about homeschooling your high school aged child, the Home School Legal Defense Association (HSLDA) has a "homeschooling teens" webpage and a specific page devoted to preparing your teen for college.
Most of all, know (again) that if God called you to this, He will surely provide for all your needs as you teach your child at home and prepare him for his future whether that future involves a college education or not. And, as for those in-laws who think you are messing up their grandchild, well, you can include them in the process by sending them some helpful links and then even asking them to pour into your child as you prepare them for college. Getting them on board as a part of the education "team" is a great way to diffuse their critical hearts (if they truly are feeling critical). It won't always work, but it is a great approach. And if it doesn't work, you need to know that what you are choosing -- you and your husband -- is what you sense is right for your child.
Next time I'll tackle concern #8. "I don't even remember how to do algebra, how will I teach it to my child?"
First of all, if you are new to home education and your children are still in elementary school or younger, you honestly can bypass the worry of college prep at this point. You may laugh at my having to state the obvious here, but truly, I have seen a staggering trend of younger moms who get into homeschooling with their 3-4 year old (who is not yet even school age) and then they stress about getting them to read or wondering how to balance in learning with playtime, or what to do when this child is not focused during reading times. If your child is under age six, I do not recommend much in the way of formal education. More and more research is coming out to support the truths that Charlotte Mason knew in the late 1800s.
The details of family living will give [the child] the repose of an ordered life; but, for the rest, he should have more free-growing time than is possible in the most charming school. The fact that lessons look like play is no recommendation: they just want the freedom of play and the sense of his own ordering that belongs to play. Most of us have little enough opportunity for the ordering of our own lives, so it is well to make much of the years that can be given to children to gain this joyous experience. (emphasis mine)In other words, don't structure those early years so much. Allow the child room to just be a child and to play and explore. And read, read, read to them. Early childhood is best spent exploring the world, asking questions, playing outdoors and hearing good literature read aloud. Your child may do some pre-reading (letter recognition) but this can be done in such non-academic ways (drawing letters in the sand or the air). They experience life with you and by means of baking and counting they are learning number skills in the best way possible. Little ones can be exposed to wonderful music and art at early ages. There is a great article here about not getting into formal math lessons until much later ages. Know that you need to wait on formal schooling in the earliest years as this will only hinder what God has designed in a child. There is a season for everything. The season of early childhood is not for formal education.
So, for those of you with younger children, if you continue to home educate, you will have plenty of time to prepare for college. Elementary school is not college prep. It is a time for sowing seeds of character formation by developing good habits in an atmosphere of gentleness and gracious love while allowing children to explore a myriad of ideas from rich resources (after age six these resources get incrementally more formal in their presentation, but they remain engaging and varied).
Now, for the rest of you, who may be starting to home educate later in your child's life, you may be asking what I brought up in my original post:
Concern #7. How will I get them ready for college? (or: My inlaws think I'll be ruining their grandkids). Now, I know not all children will aim to go to college. There are a myriad of paths for people to take in this life. I am addressing this concern of being college-ready because so many moms do fear that homeschooling will keep their child out of college and that just is not so. If you consider what the public schools are doing, you will know that pushing youth through subjects at the pace of a group leaves anyone ahead or behind the median out of the loop. The advanced students are bored and are not gaining knowledge at a pace that fits their learning ability. The student who struggles (even in one subject) must jog along with the group whether they grasp subjects or not. Much of "learning" is done merely to pass a test and get a grade (or points) and the student doesn't really get the context of the knowledge they are memorizing. As a result, much is lost after the test is over or the paper is written. By the time the student goes to college, they are "cramming" for the SAT and then using these same study habits -- cram, memorize, regurgitate, forget, repeat ad infinitum -- throughout their life. They have lost the capacity to engage in ideas and hold those ideas and relate to the ideas and their contexts. So, what you will do at home is bound to prepare them way better than what the public school can offer these days.
Remember that we educate our children one year (one day, one experience) at a time. We are educating bit by bit and we can continue to assess their strengths and needs each year and then seek out supports if needed. There are so many supports these days for home educating families. We need not feel that we have to navigate this on our own.
I want to stress here something that has become so real to me over the past few years. When we achieve a greater goal, we meet lesser goals simultaneously, unconsciously and with ease. For example: if I focus on teaching my child so he will learn everything for his SAT so he can go to college, I may succeed at that. And, I may not. But, what I most likely will not do is simultaneously develop a love of learning and expose him to many ideas which are wonderful, life-giving, edifying and helpful (because they do not pertain to the SAT process). However, if I focus on providing a rich curriculum (I use the term "curriculum" to define all materials and experiences employed to educate) and I spread out a daily smorgasbord of learning opportunities, literature, resources and experiences, and then we engage in this process of taking in great ideas, processing them and discussing them, my child will develop a love of learning. My child will grow in his habit of attention (being able to attend to details and retain facts) and my child will gain knowledge that will be useful, not only on the SAT, but in life in general. Over here we study Latin, Shakespeare, Plutarch, History, Foreign Languages, Grammar, Great Literature, Art, Music and much more. My son has a wealth of knowledge and not only that, he is able to make his own associations between different ideas because of the approach we use to learning. Will he pass his SAT? More than likely he will do very well on his SAT. But, that is not my main goal. As I set my eyes on higher goals -- loving God, having a strong moral compass, loving learning and taking in a liberal education in engaging ways -- as we aim for the higher goals, we inadvertently will meet the lesser goal of being prepared for college.
That all being said, I want to give you some practical resources about college preparation. In our town (and probably in most of your towns as well) there are a variety of "umbrella" groups which will keep transcripts for you and will give you the equivalent of guidance counseling to help you as you educate your child at home through High School. There are also blogs like Lee Binz' blog, "The Home Scholar" which specialize in helping equip families to educate their high-school aged child and especially provide guidance about keeping grades and transcripts and preparing for SATs, etc. There are also organizations like College Plus which provide support and guidance for pre-college testing and CLEP testing which can also provide college credits to your high school child prior to them even attending college. They will help you discern the different types of transcripts and options you have as a homeschooling family.
Did you know that More than 45 percent of colleges including renowned postsecondary institutions like MIT, now post admission application procedures specific to homeschoolers. Institutions that have such policies in place are more likely to admit homeschooled students. Knowing the specific requirements of the colleges that interest you can help in planning for the admissions process. It can be helpful, too, if your high school aged child keeps what is known as a portfolio to show to prospective schools -- this can be samples of his best work in each subject throughout his years of high school. For more information about homeschooling your high school aged child, the Home School Legal Defense Association (HSLDA) has a "homeschooling teens" webpage and a specific page devoted to preparing your teen for college.
Most of all, know (again) that if God called you to this, He will surely provide for all your needs as you teach your child at home and prepare him for his future whether that future involves a college education or not. And, as for those in-laws who think you are messing up their grandchild, well, you can include them in the process by sending them some helpful links and then even asking them to pour into your child as you prepare them for college. Getting them on board as a part of the education "team" is a great way to diffuse their critical hearts (if they truly are feeling critical). It won't always work, but it is a great approach. And if it doesn't work, you need to know that what you are choosing -- you and your husband -- is what you sense is right for your child.
Next time I'll tackle concern #8. "I don't even remember how to do algebra, how will I teach it to my child?"
Sunday, October 20, 2013
So You Are Thinking About Homeschooling .. But My Husband Isn't So Sure and My Kids Might Be Wierd (Part 3)
So, I'm in the trenches here, hoping to give you some insight, hope and practical advice as you think about venturing into the process of educating your children at home. In the last two posts (here, and here) I talked through four different hesitations you might have. I will address two more here: What if your husband isn't thinking this is such a great idea, and how will your children get social opportunities?
Concern #5. My husband doesn't want me to do this. He thinks I'll be too stressed or we won't do this right.
Well, let's talk about that husband of yours. On second thought, let's talk about mine. When my oldest son was four years old, I was sure we were going to homeschool him. We don't live in a "bad" school district. I just had a number of homeschooling friends and I knew I wanted to help my son grow and learn and I wanted' to keep him away from certain influences and to keep him with me as long as I could. My husband felt differently. He had dreamy recollections of his elementary school years (which weren't perfect, but he had fond memories). I didn't know how strongly he felt about public school for our son until the summer prior to Kindergarten. He said, "Aren't you supposed to call to enroll soon?" I was caught off guard and said, "For what?" He said, "For kindergarten." "I thought we were going to homeschool," I replied. He explained that he wasn't in favor of that. He wanted to give the public school "a chance" and he knows me well. He knew, intuitively, how much this undertaking would exact from me in terms of preparation and dedication and he was nervous about the fallout that would have in terms of my availability, energy level and emotional "temperature" in the home (you know, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy -- or in proper homeschool grammar, "If mom is not happy, no one else is either.") Either way you say it, he was concerned. So, he said, "no." And I spent a few weeks cajoling, giving good argument and fretting a bit. Then, I prayed and I gave in. I said to God in prayer, that I would wait for God to turn one of our hearts around -- either win me to public schooling or my husband to homeschooling. But, I stood ready to submit to my husband's decision in the end. And I did. My son attended Kindergarten in the public school. I won't go into much here, but I will say there were red flags from the very beginning for us.
Again, the summer before 1st grade, I asked my husband about homeschooling, and again he said, "no." So, my son attended 1st grade in public school. That year he had a really good teacher, but we saw a hardening of his heart and character based on other factors there. Over that summer we saw him willing to hug us more often. He also built forts and played happily with legos (all these things had drifted away over his two public schooling years). I said, off hand, one night a few weeks before public school was going to start, "Well, we are going to have to say, 'goodbye' to some of the sweetness we have seen in our son over this summer. He'll go back and toughen up a bit like he did last year and I'll spend so much of my time working against what is happening to him there and doing homework in the afternoons after he is burnt out from a long day." I really didn't expect my husband to say anything. He said, "I know what you mean. I think we only have one alternative if we are going to preserve him and help draw out what we see over the summer and that is to homeschool him." It was two weeks before the public school would start and finally I had the green light. But, it was over three years after I had initially brought up the subject.
I tell you this story to say this: homeschooling is a family experience. Your husband may do very little or he may teach the children some formal lessons regularly or he may oversee things -- the role of the husband in the education of the children varies from home to home. Either way, you are in this as a family. You just can't homeschool without his support. I know that sounds really biased, but I am not just speaking from my own experience. When the hard days hit, you will possibly call him and let loose about what is going on and you will need him to be there for you. You won't want him to be in the position of, "I told you so," or "go enroll them back in public school today."
So, if he is not on board, what can you do?
1. You can pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. God knows your heart and He cares for your children's and your family's best interest. Pour out your longing to Him and trust Him to move you or your husband until you are aligned.
2. You can share articles and books with your husband. Help him to see how you are preparing. This will help him know that you are serious and that you will do a good job when you take this on. Often we are gaining so much information about home education and we should not leave our husband in the dust about it all. Sharing with him keeps you on the same page and makes unified decisions more likely.
3. You can ask homeschooling dads to talk with your husband. Now, you probably won't approach them directly, but you can have your homeschool mom friends over with their husbands and give them a heads up that your husband has some questions or reservations he would like to talk over with their husbands. Sometimes men can share things with other men that we just can't express in the same way. It is helpful for him to hear about homeschooling from an experienced man's perspective.
4. Hear him out. Your husband may have some realistic concerns. If you listen to him and let him share his heart, you are honoring him and also letting him help you in preparing for whatever outcome you both choose.
5. You can wait. Sometimes God has other plans and He will surely use the experiences your child goes through for good. He has done that in our case for sure. Nothing is wasted in God's kingdom. Trust Him no matter what the outcome of you and your husband's decision making process regarding education.
Concern #6: How will my kids socialize? (and, How will I socialize?)
One of the largest myths (and greatest fears) about homeschooling is that it is this isolated experience where you only socialize with your own immediate family and you sit, imploded, in your home all day, every day. Now, there are seasons or weeks where we are home more often than not, but truly that is not our usual week or even day. We struggle to be at home as much as we need to be (and, yes, we do happily school in our PJs on some of those days). There is just so much to do and there are so many opportunities to get together with other people.
Let me give you a peek into our typical week (in this season) and you will see what I mean. Most days we have our formal lessons in the mornings from around 8:00a - noon. Mondays we leave for an art class that my friend is hosting at her home. Following art class we go to Piano lessons. We come home and my boys play with the neighborhood kids. Two Tuesdays a month we have our science co-op (where the moms take turns teaching science from an agreed curriculum) from 1:00-2:30p. We go to the park with that group some Tuesdays after Science. Wednesdays we are home as well, but it is "early out" for the public schools around us, so my son hustles to get his work done so he can play with his friends in the early afternoon. Thursdays my son takes a 12:20pm class at a local support center for homeschoolers where tutors offer a variety of courses. This term he is taking "Junior Philosophy." Thursday nights I often host a movie night here and the neighborhood kids come for movies and pizza. Fridays we are home. Whew! But, every other Friday another homeschool family whom we love hosts a later lunch and playtime all afternoon, so we join them if we are able. That is just this term. There are "playgroups" that meet at parks, groups on Facebook, moms groups, co-ops, charter schools, you name it. I belong to a group of moms who are studying the original writings of Charlotte Mason and we meet every six weeks for a time of discussion. I host "Moms' night of Refreshment" at my home every six weeks or so. Moms come over and we chat, have dessert, listen to a CD from a homeschool conference and then share, encourage and pray for one another. There are opportunities to be in book clubs, prayer meetings and Bible studies with other homeschool moms. We get more than our fair share of social opportunities -- and you will too.
I once saw this meme cartoon with a picture of a fish in a fishbowl by himself with the caption, "What people think we do"; the next picture was a bunch of fish sitting at desks staring forward at a blackboard and the caption read, "What they call 'socialization'."; and the final picture was an ocean with a variety of fish happily swimming in their natural "schools" with the caption, "What we call socialization." That's what we really do. We swim in our natural school and we are free to mingle with all kinds of other fish along the way.
So, pray over this decision and hear your husband out. He may have valid concerns and input. Help him get educated about your options as you are finding out new facts and possibilities. Keep him in step with you. Don't pester him. Give the Lord room to work. And, know that God provides all your needs (and your children's) including the need for social support and relationships.
Concern #5. My husband doesn't want me to do this. He thinks I'll be too stressed or we won't do this right.
Well, let's talk about that husband of yours. On second thought, let's talk about mine. When my oldest son was four years old, I was sure we were going to homeschool him. We don't live in a "bad" school district. I just had a number of homeschooling friends and I knew I wanted to help my son grow and learn and I wanted' to keep him away from certain influences and to keep him with me as long as I could. My husband felt differently. He had dreamy recollections of his elementary school years (which weren't perfect, but he had fond memories). I didn't know how strongly he felt about public school for our son until the summer prior to Kindergarten. He said, "Aren't you supposed to call to enroll soon?" I was caught off guard and said, "For what?" He said, "For kindergarten." "I thought we were going to homeschool," I replied. He explained that he wasn't in favor of that. He wanted to give the public school "a chance" and he knows me well. He knew, intuitively, how much this undertaking would exact from me in terms of preparation and dedication and he was nervous about the fallout that would have in terms of my availability, energy level and emotional "temperature" in the home (you know, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy -- or in proper homeschool grammar, "If mom is not happy, no one else is either.") Either way you say it, he was concerned. So, he said, "no." And I spent a few weeks cajoling, giving good argument and fretting a bit. Then, I prayed and I gave in. I said to God in prayer, that I would wait for God to turn one of our hearts around -- either win me to public schooling or my husband to homeschooling. But, I stood ready to submit to my husband's decision in the end. And I did. My son attended Kindergarten in the public school. I won't go into much here, but I will say there were red flags from the very beginning for us.
Again, the summer before 1st grade, I asked my husband about homeschooling, and again he said, "no." So, my son attended 1st grade in public school. That year he had a really good teacher, but we saw a hardening of his heart and character based on other factors there. Over that summer we saw him willing to hug us more often. He also built forts and played happily with legos (all these things had drifted away over his two public schooling years). I said, off hand, one night a few weeks before public school was going to start, "Well, we are going to have to say, 'goodbye' to some of the sweetness we have seen in our son over this summer. He'll go back and toughen up a bit like he did last year and I'll spend so much of my time working against what is happening to him there and doing homework in the afternoons after he is burnt out from a long day." I really didn't expect my husband to say anything. He said, "I know what you mean. I think we only have one alternative if we are going to preserve him and help draw out what we see over the summer and that is to homeschool him." It was two weeks before the public school would start and finally I had the green light. But, it was over three years after I had initially brought up the subject.
I tell you this story to say this: homeschooling is a family experience. Your husband may do very little or he may teach the children some formal lessons regularly or he may oversee things -- the role of the husband in the education of the children varies from home to home. Either way, you are in this as a family. You just can't homeschool without his support. I know that sounds really biased, but I am not just speaking from my own experience. When the hard days hit, you will possibly call him and let loose about what is going on and you will need him to be there for you. You won't want him to be in the position of, "I told you so," or "go enroll them back in public school today."
So, if he is not on board, what can you do?
1. You can pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. God knows your heart and He cares for your children's and your family's best interest. Pour out your longing to Him and trust Him to move you or your husband until you are aligned.
2. You can share articles and books with your husband. Help him to see how you are preparing. This will help him know that you are serious and that you will do a good job when you take this on. Often we are gaining so much information about home education and we should not leave our husband in the dust about it all. Sharing with him keeps you on the same page and makes unified decisions more likely.
3. You can ask homeschooling dads to talk with your husband. Now, you probably won't approach them directly, but you can have your homeschool mom friends over with their husbands and give them a heads up that your husband has some questions or reservations he would like to talk over with their husbands. Sometimes men can share things with other men that we just can't express in the same way. It is helpful for him to hear about homeschooling from an experienced man's perspective.
4. Hear him out. Your husband may have some realistic concerns. If you listen to him and let him share his heart, you are honoring him and also letting him help you in preparing for whatever outcome you both choose.
5. You can wait. Sometimes God has other plans and He will surely use the experiences your child goes through for good. He has done that in our case for sure. Nothing is wasted in God's kingdom. Trust Him no matter what the outcome of you and your husband's decision making process regarding education.
Concern #6: How will my kids socialize? (and, How will I socialize?)
One of the largest myths (and greatest fears) about homeschooling is that it is this isolated experience where you only socialize with your own immediate family and you sit, imploded, in your home all day, every day. Now, there are seasons or weeks where we are home more often than not, but truly that is not our usual week or even day. We struggle to be at home as much as we need to be (and, yes, we do happily school in our PJs on some of those days). There is just so much to do and there are so many opportunities to get together with other people.
Let me give you a peek into our typical week (in this season) and you will see what I mean. Most days we have our formal lessons in the mornings from around 8:00a - noon. Mondays we leave for an art class that my friend is hosting at her home. Following art class we go to Piano lessons. We come home and my boys play with the neighborhood kids. Two Tuesdays a month we have our science co-op (where the moms take turns teaching science from an agreed curriculum) from 1:00-2:30p. We go to the park with that group some Tuesdays after Science. Wednesdays we are home as well, but it is "early out" for the public schools around us, so my son hustles to get his work done so he can play with his friends in the early afternoon. Thursdays my son takes a 12:20pm class at a local support center for homeschoolers where tutors offer a variety of courses. This term he is taking "Junior Philosophy." Thursday nights I often host a movie night here and the neighborhood kids come for movies and pizza. Fridays we are home. Whew! But, every other Friday another homeschool family whom we love hosts a later lunch and playtime all afternoon, so we join them if we are able. That is just this term. There are "playgroups" that meet at parks, groups on Facebook, moms groups, co-ops, charter schools, you name it. I belong to a group of moms who are studying the original writings of Charlotte Mason and we meet every six weeks for a time of discussion. I host "Moms' night of Refreshment" at my home every six weeks or so. Moms come over and we chat, have dessert, listen to a CD from a homeschool conference and then share, encourage and pray for one another. There are opportunities to be in book clubs, prayer meetings and Bible studies with other homeschool moms. We get more than our fair share of social opportunities -- and you will too.
I once saw this meme cartoon with a picture of a fish in a fishbowl by himself with the caption, "What people think we do"; the next picture was a bunch of fish sitting at desks staring forward at a blackboard and the caption read, "What they call 'socialization'."; and the final picture was an ocean with a variety of fish happily swimming in their natural "schools" with the caption, "What we call socialization." That's what we really do. We swim in our natural school and we are free to mingle with all kinds of other fish along the way.
So, pray over this decision and hear your husband out. He may have valid concerns and input. Help him get educated about your options as you are finding out new facts and possibilities. Keep him in step with you. Don't pester him. Give the Lord room to work. And, know that God provides all your needs (and your children's) including the need for social support and relationships.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
So You Are (Still) Thinking About Homeschooling ... (Part 2 in a series)
If you are still here after the last post on considering homeschooling (here), I am glad to hear it. I hope you were able to spend some time pondering your motivations and praying over this decision. It can start to feel overwhelming, I know. It is a big deal to take this on, and yet, truly God is with you as you do. And there is great reward that does come in due time. I reaped some of those rewards today -- as my boys played well together and sacrificed for one another and we were able to talk through conflicts. These are fruits of living together round-the-clock and having deep relationships with one another as a result of the lifestyle we have chosen as a family that home educates.
So, as you know I had my list of 10 concerns you may have about homeschooling (I know, you may have 100, but I can only blog so much, you know). In the first post I covered the questions of having a rough first year and the process of choosing curriculum and supports. In this post I will discuss the question of juggling the needs of multiple children and I will tackle the issue of perfectionism and how being a perfectionist impacts home education.
#3 Do you just juggle from child to child all the time?
Well, yes and no. We all have multiple demands in our lives (even moms with one child -- never say "only" one child -- have to juggle trying to get other things done like housework, errands, commitments, etc). I have to point out here, though, that this juggling act of motherhood is not a problem unique to home education. I have a friend who has four children. This year her children span ages of seven to 15 years old. So, two are in elementary, one in Jr. High and one in High School. They all have one extracurricular activity which requires practice and game/performance days. Now, on a given day, she is never home on the couch eating bon-bons. She has four different drop-off and pick up times. Even the elementary school has two varied pick-up times (1/2 hour apart from one another) and two drop-off times. She also volunteers in their classrooms in the elementary school at least two days a week. It means she spends about 1 1/2 to 2 hours a day in the morning and again in the afternoon just getting her children to and from school. Then she has the afterschool schedule. And there is homework. And it isn't the homework she thinks is best for each of them -- it is the homework given by someone else regardless of whether it meets her child where they need to learn. And, top it off, now it is all Common Core aligned (don't get me started). If I ever saw a juggler it is this friend!
So, yes, we do all juggle. And, I think one problem I faced as a new homeschool mom (and for several years after we started) was this idea that somehow the juggling would go away or diminish (or something!). But it remains to this day. I have boys spread out in age. There is a seven-year gap between them. They are not learning together so to speak (though somehow my youngest just keeps learning what we are talking about even though I am not "trying" to teach him yet). We will always have multiple demands -- and the more children or commitments you have, the more demands are upon you. So, rather than feeling drawn and quartered all the time, there are some things you can do.
Well, now. I resembled that remark. I have to say I almost wonder if God didn't get me into homeschooling for this reason alone. I mean, He had to break me of this need to get it all perfect and to have everything and everyone around me nipped and tucked. Homeschool was a tool in His wise and loving hands to unravel that tightly woven issue in my heart. Truly, I was so exacting of myself and my poor son -- and again, homeschooling didn't bring this out, it just brought it to a head. God is so sweet to work out our deepest needs in the most unexpected ways. Over the years I have just had to learn to let go; to let loose; to let myself and my son off the hook. It has been so good. And so hard. But so good. So, if you are a perfectionist, welcome. You can set up color-coded white boards in your homemade, Pinterest inspired schoolroom and just have at it. And that may work for you and I hope (really) that it does if it is good for you and your children. But, more often than not, something has to give. We live real over here and the truth is that when we moved from having to school in one spot and check off all the boxes and I started looking at bigger picture stuff -- like do my boys love Jesus and am I cultivating a love of learning in them? I got more and more convinced that making sure they did all the exercises in our spelling book was not the #1 issue in our home. I am not a slacker, I'll have to say, but I needed to learn to slack a bit and it has been a blessing to each member of our family as I have. Now, if you are Type-B and you just can. not. relate. I am sure that there are blogs out there for you about how you do need to get out of bed and actually have a plan sometimes, etc. But, I am not one to be able to help you much. I thought I would drive my kids nuts with my exacting expectations and my need to have them do it all right and perfectly. And, for a time, I did. But, as I said, God in His mercy had a plan to break me of that and replace it with something so much more loving and effective. So much of that nervous perfectionism comes from insecurity and fear. The more we get comfortable in our own skin and in what we are doing as home educators, the less we worry about comparing and competing and the more we hit the mark with our kids. And when we meet the greater goals (love of God, a sense of confidence, a love of learning) we meet the lesser goals as well (my child will be well educated and able to attend college, or whatever).
So, know that homeschooling will require some juggling and it will be a stretching experience for you. But, know that there is much good in being stretched and we only get to juggle for these dear children for such a short season. If you are called to this, you will find your rhythm and you will learn to give yourself and others much grace.
So, as you know I had my list of 10 concerns you may have about homeschooling (I know, you may have 100, but I can only blog so much, you know). In the first post I covered the questions of having a rough first year and the process of choosing curriculum and supports. In this post I will discuss the question of juggling the needs of multiple children and I will tackle the issue of perfectionism and how being a perfectionist impacts home education.
#3 Do you just juggle from child to child all the time?
Well, yes and no. We all have multiple demands in our lives (even moms with one child -- never say "only" one child -- have to juggle trying to get other things done like housework, errands, commitments, etc). I have to point out here, though, that this juggling act of motherhood is not a problem unique to home education. I have a friend who has four children. This year her children span ages of seven to 15 years old. So, two are in elementary, one in Jr. High and one in High School. They all have one extracurricular activity which requires practice and game/performance days. Now, on a given day, she is never home on the couch eating bon-bons. She has four different drop-off and pick up times. Even the elementary school has two varied pick-up times (1/2 hour apart from one another) and two drop-off times. She also volunteers in their classrooms in the elementary school at least two days a week. It means she spends about 1 1/2 to 2 hours a day in the morning and again in the afternoon just getting her children to and from school. Then she has the afterschool schedule. And there is homework. And it isn't the homework she thinks is best for each of them -- it is the homework given by someone else regardless of whether it meets her child where they need to learn. And, top it off, now it is all Common Core aligned (don't get me started). If I ever saw a juggler it is this friend!
So, yes, we do all juggle. And, I think one problem I faced as a new homeschool mom (and for several years after we started) was this idea that somehow the juggling would go away or diminish (or something!). But it remains to this day. I have boys spread out in age. There is a seven-year gap between them. They are not learning together so to speak (though somehow my youngest just keeps learning what we are talking about even though I am not "trying" to teach him yet). We will always have multiple demands -- and the more children or commitments you have, the more demands are upon you. So, rather than feeling drawn and quartered all the time, there are some things you can do.
- You can prioritize. You just will have to drop some things in order to educate your children at home. The good thing is you are dropping something right off the bat if you were in public school -- you won't have transportation and you won't have homework. Whew. Take a breath! But, you will have many things on your plate and you will need to think about the needs of each child and in your own way figure how those needs can best get met in a given week or day. I have tried different things and what I do right now is kind-of a rhythm of "filling the tank" of my younger son, then giving him something to do independently (setting out a toy or an activity) and then sitting with my older child for a bit and then we do something all together. We just go through that younger/older/together rhythm throughout our morning so that I can spread myself out and no one gets neglected. [You may want to check out my posts on living by Rhythm instead of Schedule here.]
- You can pick as many overlapping subjects as possible. History and Science and Read-Alouds are great areas to overlap. For example, you can study the same time period as a whole family and the same subject in Science (such as Anatomy or Astronomy). This will minimize you having to teach, say, the Ancient History of Egypt alongside teaching about the Civil War. You then give your children "age-appropriate" assignments according to their capacity to learn in that subject. There are companies like Sonlight that put out materials in this way -- you can check them out and see what they recommend and even get much of it through your local library. We start our day with a time at the table reading the Bible, singing the hymn we are learning and doing some Scripture memory all together. After that the boys do some morning chores and then we go into a time where my older son studies alone and I spend time with my youngest. Then I can do something with my eldest while my younger child works independently. Juggling? Yep. But, we do make it work and we are finished with this rhythm by 12:00 or 12:30 (in 6th grade) and we have lunch a quiet time in our rooms and then free time all afternoon. So, it doesn't take up the whole day (unless my son dawdles and has to carry things over into his afternoon as a result). Most days we are free when other families are just starting their juggling act.
- You can train your children to do independent work bit by bit. My eldest is able to do a lot on his own now, but that wasn't always the case. We practice "return narration" which is a fancy way for saying that he comes to me after he has read something and tells me all he got out of the reading. At his age I also have him write his narration several times a week. Even when I read to him he return narrates what he heard as well. This training into a habit called "attention" has helped him be able to read and retain what he reads, so that he can work independently and just come back to me with what he did. That frees me up to mop a kitchen (oh, yeah, that!), or push my preschooler on a swing, or get work done for my part-time job. Yep, I have one of those too.
Well, now. I resembled that remark. I have to say I almost wonder if God didn't get me into homeschooling for this reason alone. I mean, He had to break me of this need to get it all perfect and to have everything and everyone around me nipped and tucked. Homeschool was a tool in His wise and loving hands to unravel that tightly woven issue in my heart. Truly, I was so exacting of myself and my poor son -- and again, homeschooling didn't bring this out, it just brought it to a head. God is so sweet to work out our deepest needs in the most unexpected ways. Over the years I have just had to learn to let go; to let loose; to let myself and my son off the hook. It has been so good. And so hard. But so good. So, if you are a perfectionist, welcome. You can set up color-coded white boards in your homemade, Pinterest inspired schoolroom and just have at it. And that may work for you and I hope (really) that it does if it is good for you and your children. But, more often than not, something has to give. We live real over here and the truth is that when we moved from having to school in one spot and check off all the boxes and I started looking at bigger picture stuff -- like do my boys love Jesus and am I cultivating a love of learning in them? I got more and more convinced that making sure they did all the exercises in our spelling book was not the #1 issue in our home. I am not a slacker, I'll have to say, but I needed to learn to slack a bit and it has been a blessing to each member of our family as I have. Now, if you are Type-B and you just can. not. relate. I am sure that there are blogs out there for you about how you do need to get out of bed and actually have a plan sometimes, etc. But, I am not one to be able to help you much. I thought I would drive my kids nuts with my exacting expectations and my need to have them do it all right and perfectly. And, for a time, I did. But, as I said, God in His mercy had a plan to break me of that and replace it with something so much more loving and effective. So much of that nervous perfectionism comes from insecurity and fear. The more we get comfortable in our own skin and in what we are doing as home educators, the less we worry about comparing and competing and the more we hit the mark with our kids. And when we meet the greater goals (love of God, a sense of confidence, a love of learning) we meet the lesser goals as well (my child will be well educated and able to attend college, or whatever).
So, know that homeschooling will require some juggling and it will be a stretching experience for you. But, know that there is much good in being stretched and we only get to juggle for these dear children for such a short season. If you are called to this, you will find your rhythm and you will learn to give yourself and others much grace.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
So, You Are Thinking About Homeschooling ...
The other morning a friend and I met for coffee. I get to do that here and there -- like normal moms who send their kids to school every day for six hours and get time to themselves. My oldest son is able to be at home with a very long list of independent work and he relishes the opportunity to live up to that privilege so he works hard to do what is left for him. This year my youngest is in a little in-home preschool group which meets twice a week. Usually those are days for me to do the "hard stuff" with my eldest. After I drop my preschooler off, we buckle down and get into Plutarch, Shakespeare, Streams of Civilization, Reading Aloud (without interruption) and some poetry and writing. But, once in a while I allow myself a little get-away with another mom for the morning and I load my eldest up so he has plenty to do while I am away for two hours.
As I met with this friend, she seemed to have something important on her mind. It turns out she is thinking about pulling her children out of public school and educating them at home. We talked for some time about all kinds of factors that go into that decision. Some of them were very personal to her decision, but some were general concerns and it made me realize it could be helpful to put together a post for people who are standing next to the roller coaster called "Home Education" and wondering if they should get in line for the ride or walk away.
So, here are some common thoughts or fears you may have, followed by my attempt to give some answers or at least food for thought about each:
1. What if we have a rough first year?
2. How do I pick curriculum (learning materials)?
3. Do you just juggle from child to child all the time?
4. What if I am too perfectionistic?
5. My husband doesn't want me to do this. He thinks I'll be too stressed or we won't do this right.
6. How will my kids socialize? (aka: How will I socialize?)
7. How will I get them ready for college? (or: My inlaws think I'll be ruining their grandkids).
8. I don't even remember how to do algebra, how will I teach it to my child?
9. Will I get sick of my kids being around me all the time? How will I get time to do anything alone?
10. Are my kids going to be weird? (I'm just sayin') ...
Ok, let's tackle these one by one ... I'll touch on concerns #1 and #2 here in this post and then I'll address other concerns in the next few posts. By the way, if you have other concerns or thoughts, you can leave them in the comments section and I'll try to be helpful if I can.
1. So, a rough first year. Yep. You will have some really, really hard days. Don't you have hard days sometimes now? Well, that doesn't stop. Life is life and it has hard days, weeks, months, seasons. And, homeschooling doesn't change that. The first year, no matter how you slice it, is a year of adjustment. It's like having a new baby, starting a new job, moving to a new city. These are transitions, and starting homeschooling is a transition too.
I saw a few key changes occur as we weathered the highs and lows of our first year. For one thing I think God allowed my "worst" to come out so He could then draw out my best. I'm not just saying this. Homeschooling has been a tool of refinement and God has used it to grow me. I have become a much better version of me (most days) since I began homeschooling my children. Also, when my son was in public school (he was for K and 1) he wasn't with me enough to ride out the waves of my reactions to him. When I had a bad moment or bad day, he was experiencing me in the afternoon after a full day of school which left him burnt out and disconnected from me because he had been in school all day -- away from me. When we started homeschooling he got to see me sometimes get upset and he got to watch me calm back down. He got to see that when I get upset it is about me, not him. Yes, he can do things to agitate me, but my reaction is mine, and somehow he stopped taking me so personally and he detached in a very healthy way. I did raise my voice a lot that first year (I have to tell you that so you know you aren't alone if this is you). I was anxious to do everything well and I had a boat-load of expectations of myself and my son. I compared to externals and that kept me striving and worrying. I was also getting familiar with how to even do this whole business of home education. We also had an infant who started walking that year and then climbing ... need I say more? But, you will have all kinds of factors in your life your first year of home education too and it will be a year of learning and growing. Don't let the challenges and growing-pains of the first year be the barometer of whether this approach to education is a fit for your family. It will sometimes be hard no matter how you slice it, but there will be great moments, days and weeks. We have some wonderful memories from that first year and even from the very early weeks all the way until the end of that year my son was begging never to go back to public school.
But, the first year is not at all a terrible thing. A lot of good comes in that first year. So, my advice is don't expect to miss the challenge of adjusting, but do learn to be aware of your own expectations of yourself and your children and try to step back and regroup as often as you need to. Gather some honest, caring friends or family members around you and ask them in advance to give you support. Take breaks when you burn out. Trust that your children will learn a lot and your stress is often the very thing that will hinder their learning. Some people recommend de-schooling for the first year or so if you are leaving a formally structured setting and going into homeschooling. I wish we had known about that.
2. About picking a curriculum (or learning materials): Well, that question is like asking what to eat when you go to a restaurant but not telling me what kind of restaurant you are going to. If you are at P.F.Changs I have a very different suggestion than if you are going to The Olive Garden. So, first, you have to kind of get a feel for who you are as a homeschool family. There are a variety of approaches to Home Education. If you talk to anyone who homeschools within a short bit of time you can hear what they are doing with their children. And, of course what they are doing is right for you too, right? Well, not always. We are all constantly growing and changing as we progress in this experience, so it isn't always straightforward what approaches or curriculum you will use.
There are such a variety of options as to how to provide learning experiences to your children. There are online academies where your child will do work online and check in with a teacher remotely via Skype. There are local support groups in many cities and communities and even charter schools or PSPs (Private School Satelite Programs) which support you with enrichment classes, extra-curriculur activites and even keep transcript paperwork for you. There are co-ops where families join together to teach their children using agreed curriculum one or more days a week. And, you can just file as a private school yourself and do things independently. Even then, there are groups on Facebook and in the community who meet for playdates, park dates, learning activities and field trips. You will have so many options as to how to enrich your child's learning experiences. As you start to explore the options, you will probably feel both encouraged and overwhelmed.
Before you get too overwhelmed, I do suggest thinking through why you are choosing to homeschool in the first place. Jot down what is making you long to do this. What are you moving away from? What are you moving towards? What are your visions or dreams about what can happen when you choose to home educate? As you define values and reasons, you are setting out a mission/vision. This may be very muddy at first, especially since you are new at this. Over the years it will grow and change. Still, on the bad or hard days, you can pull it out and remind yourself of your motivations and purposes and it will give you momentum when you lag. A good book for getting an idea what approaches to home learning are out there is Homeschooling Methods. I also recommend: For the Children's Sake. It is truly my favorite (but that one shows my bias towards a Charlotte Mason Education).
Once you have a feel for the "why" and "how" you want to homeschool, you can search out materials to support the "what." There are good books like Cathy Duffy's 101 Top Picks for Homeschool Curriculum, and there are a myriad of websites and vendors who will provide you with great options. The key will be knowing your approach to homeschooling and your vision and mission so that you can sift options that come your way through that filter and know if they are a fit for you and your children.
If you are wondering what we do over here, we use Charlotte Mason's approach and actually a lot of the same books and materials she used or things which fall in line with what she called "living books" which are books which grab a child's attention because they are engaging. I like to picture myself as laying out a feast of wonderful ideas and experiences and my boys get to glean from it as they would a buffet. They take what is proper to them and they ingest it and as they do they are edified and filled. They come back for more. They share what they have taken away. It is a wonderful way to engage them in learning and in continuing to love learning. No. Every day is not sheer bliss. My son occasionally procrastinates; we sometimes get off track; we have times where we butt heads. But, overall, the atmosphere in our home is loving and we enjoy what we do. We have grown to the point where my son said this year, "Mom, we finally are getting good at this." It can happen for you too. Keep coming back here over the next few weeks and I'll be posting more thoughts and suggestions for those of you new to this adventure.
As I met with this friend, she seemed to have something important on her mind. It turns out she is thinking about pulling her children out of public school and educating them at home. We talked for some time about all kinds of factors that go into that decision. Some of them were very personal to her decision, but some were general concerns and it made me realize it could be helpful to put together a post for people who are standing next to the roller coaster called "Home Education" and wondering if they should get in line for the ride or walk away.
So, here are some common thoughts or fears you may have, followed by my attempt to give some answers or at least food for thought about each:
1. What if we have a rough first year?
2. How do I pick curriculum (learning materials)?
3. Do you just juggle from child to child all the time?
4. What if I am too perfectionistic?
5. My husband doesn't want me to do this. He thinks I'll be too stressed or we won't do this right.
6. How will my kids socialize? (aka: How will I socialize?)
7. How will I get them ready for college? (or: My inlaws think I'll be ruining their grandkids).
8. I don't even remember how to do algebra, how will I teach it to my child?
9. Will I get sick of my kids being around me all the time? How will I get time to do anything alone?
10. Are my kids going to be weird? (I'm just sayin') ...
Ok, let's tackle these one by one ... I'll touch on concerns #1 and #2 here in this post and then I'll address other concerns in the next few posts. By the way, if you have other concerns or thoughts, you can leave them in the comments section and I'll try to be helpful if I can.
1. So, a rough first year. Yep. You will have some really, really hard days. Don't you have hard days sometimes now? Well, that doesn't stop. Life is life and it has hard days, weeks, months, seasons. And, homeschooling doesn't change that. The first year, no matter how you slice it, is a year of adjustment. It's like having a new baby, starting a new job, moving to a new city. These are transitions, and starting homeschooling is a transition too.
I saw a few key changes occur as we weathered the highs and lows of our first year. For one thing I think God allowed my "worst" to come out so He could then draw out my best. I'm not just saying this. Homeschooling has been a tool of refinement and God has used it to grow me. I have become a much better version of me (most days) since I began homeschooling my children. Also, when my son was in public school (he was for K and 1) he wasn't with me enough to ride out the waves of my reactions to him. When I had a bad moment or bad day, he was experiencing me in the afternoon after a full day of school which left him burnt out and disconnected from me because he had been in school all day -- away from me. When we started homeschooling he got to see me sometimes get upset and he got to watch me calm back down. He got to see that when I get upset it is about me, not him. Yes, he can do things to agitate me, but my reaction is mine, and somehow he stopped taking me so personally and he detached in a very healthy way. I did raise my voice a lot that first year (I have to tell you that so you know you aren't alone if this is you). I was anxious to do everything well and I had a boat-load of expectations of myself and my son. I compared to externals and that kept me striving and worrying. I was also getting familiar with how to even do this whole business of home education. We also had an infant who started walking that year and then climbing ... need I say more? But, you will have all kinds of factors in your life your first year of home education too and it will be a year of learning and growing. Don't let the challenges and growing-pains of the first year be the barometer of whether this approach to education is a fit for your family. It will sometimes be hard no matter how you slice it, but there will be great moments, days and weeks. We have some wonderful memories from that first year and even from the very early weeks all the way until the end of that year my son was begging never to go back to public school.
But, the first year is not at all a terrible thing. A lot of good comes in that first year. So, my advice is don't expect to miss the challenge of adjusting, but do learn to be aware of your own expectations of yourself and your children and try to step back and regroup as often as you need to. Gather some honest, caring friends or family members around you and ask them in advance to give you support. Take breaks when you burn out. Trust that your children will learn a lot and your stress is often the very thing that will hinder their learning. Some people recommend de-schooling for the first year or so if you are leaving a formally structured setting and going into homeschooling. I wish we had known about that.
2. About picking a curriculum (or learning materials): Well, that question is like asking what to eat when you go to a restaurant but not telling me what kind of restaurant you are going to. If you are at P.F.Changs I have a very different suggestion than if you are going to The Olive Garden. So, first, you have to kind of get a feel for who you are as a homeschool family. There are a variety of approaches to Home Education. If you talk to anyone who homeschools within a short bit of time you can hear what they are doing with their children. And, of course what they are doing is right for you too, right? Well, not always. We are all constantly growing and changing as we progress in this experience, so it isn't always straightforward what approaches or curriculum you will use.
There are such a variety of options as to how to provide learning experiences to your children. There are online academies where your child will do work online and check in with a teacher remotely via Skype. There are local support groups in many cities and communities and even charter schools or PSPs (Private School Satelite Programs) which support you with enrichment classes, extra-curriculur activites and even keep transcript paperwork for you. There are co-ops where families join together to teach their children using agreed curriculum one or more days a week. And, you can just file as a private school yourself and do things independently. Even then, there are groups on Facebook and in the community who meet for playdates, park dates, learning activities and field trips. You will have so many options as to how to enrich your child's learning experiences. As you start to explore the options, you will probably feel both encouraged and overwhelmed.
Before you get too overwhelmed, I do suggest thinking through why you are choosing to homeschool in the first place. Jot down what is making you long to do this. What are you moving away from? What are you moving towards? What are your visions or dreams about what can happen when you choose to home educate? As you define values and reasons, you are setting out a mission/vision. This may be very muddy at first, especially since you are new at this. Over the years it will grow and change. Still, on the bad or hard days, you can pull it out and remind yourself of your motivations and purposes and it will give you momentum when you lag. A good book for getting an idea what approaches to home learning are out there is Homeschooling Methods. I also recommend: For the Children's Sake. It is truly my favorite (but that one shows my bias towards a Charlotte Mason Education).
Once you have a feel for the "why" and "how" you want to homeschool, you can search out materials to support the "what." There are good books like Cathy Duffy's 101 Top Picks for Homeschool Curriculum, and there are a myriad of websites and vendors who will provide you with great options. The key will be knowing your approach to homeschooling and your vision and mission so that you can sift options that come your way through that filter and know if they are a fit for you and your children.
If you are wondering what we do over here, we use Charlotte Mason's approach and actually a lot of the same books and materials she used or things which fall in line with what she called "living books" which are books which grab a child's attention because they are engaging. I like to picture myself as laying out a feast of wonderful ideas and experiences and my boys get to glean from it as they would a buffet. They take what is proper to them and they ingest it and as they do they are edified and filled. They come back for more. They share what they have taken away. It is a wonderful way to engage them in learning and in continuing to love learning. No. Every day is not sheer bliss. My son occasionally procrastinates; we sometimes get off track; we have times where we butt heads. But, overall, the atmosphere in our home is loving and we enjoy what we do. We have grown to the point where my son said this year, "Mom, we finally are getting good at this." It can happen for you too. Keep coming back here over the next few weeks and I'll be posting more thoughts and suggestions for those of you new to this adventure.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Character vs. Conduct - Part III
So far in this series we have been looking at the developing
of a noble character in our children. In
my first post we looked at what character is and in my second post
we looked at the process by which God develops character. We left off thinking of character development
being rooted and grounded in love and we looked at the vital role of
parental modeling by way of our own abiding relationship in Jesus as we
acknowledge that more is caught than taught.
I mentioned at the end of my last post that I was going to tackle the
concept of consequences and what role (if any) they play in character
formation.
As I thought and prayed about this post, I really spent time
thinking through my own experiences – what has brought around significant
change in my character throughout my life? And I thought about my two sons – what areas
do I see strength (even nobility) in their character and what seems to have
brought that to pass? These are really
interesting questions to ponder. I
encourage you to think them through.
One thing that has become evident to me as I have been thinking
through character and conduct is that I think we tend to confound two different
aspects of parenting. One aspect is the
necessary role of discipline or instruction of our children and the other
aspect is the cultivation of character.
I think there is a good reason that we mingle these two together – at
least the more I looked at my own tendencies, I found out some things which
were important to see. If I believe that
something I do is bound to produce a lasting character change in my child, I
feel more of a sense of control.
Parenting is a wild ride to say the least. From the moment of conception we are
profoundly connected to another human being and that person is dependent upon
us in a way that is truly overwhelming and precious. From birth onward their lives are intimately
woven into our souls. Now, top that off
with some normal issues like the need to have others like and approve of us or
the need to feel like we can keep our children from harm, and we have a formula
for needing a sense of control. The more
fear we feel, the more we need power over them and their lives. So, we are tempted to grasp onto parenting
beliefs and methods which help us quell those fears and give us a
pseudo-comfort. One of the things we are
bound to do is to tell ourselves that the discipline approaches we choose are
invariably going to lead to positive outcome in the character of our
children. And, when we see immediate
results in their conduct, we feel better.
We tell ourselves that this compliance is good fruit.
Discipline (instruction) is necessary and I am sure I will
go into that further in future posts, but for our sake here, I want to sort of
set it aside because the more I look at it, the more I see that we will never
create good character through discipline alone.
There are several good reasons this is so.
For one thing, outward conformity (conduct) is not a proof
of inward transformation. We ask our
children to practice certain habits and demonstrate certain behaviors, but
those habits and behaviors in themselves (though very good) are empty,
according to Jesus if they are not rooted in a relationship with Him and fueled
by our love for Him and His grace and love for us. Remember the Pharissees? They were called "white-washed
tombs" because they were perfect in their conduct, but they lacked
character to support the conduct. No one
wants to be in the business of instilling a Pharisee heart in their own child,
but too much emphasis on conduct will do just that – it is legalism plain and simple.
Dallas Willard said we must become the type of people who
would easily do the things that Jesus commands us to do. That is character: when our knee-jerk
reaction is to bless and not curse or to tell the truth or to give and
sacrifice. And, as Dallas taught
(echoing teachings of the wise Jesus followers from many previous generations)
character like that comes by practicing spiritual disciplines in an abiding
life. As we dwell with Jesus, He leads
us into an ever deepening relationship with God and from that relationship
comes the power to be the people He wants us to be. This is true for us, and it is true for our
children.
We desire a deep and pervasive goodness in our children and
we must know that much of that territory is not ours to touch. Just as the internal organs are "out of
reach" and "protected" from the direct touch of a human being,
God has placed the character of our children out of our direct reach. We can touch the "skin," but not
the essence. That territory is His
alone.
"Eternal living is an interactive relationship with God that touches us to the deepest core of our being and gives us the strength not only to envision what is good, but to live for it. Walking in that relationship transforms the inner dimensions of human personality. That’s what is called integrity. Integrity is a matter of all the dimensions of yourself being integrated with one another so that they function together because you have brought your will to trust in God and through that, every dimension of your personality—your mind, your body, your feelings, what your body is ready to do, and the depths of your soul, which is normally fractured by sin—is healed." ~ Dallas Willard (quote via Elane O'Rourke)
Our children are fractured as we are. We all have sin in our hearts. Nothing – no great parenting approach, no
educational method, no group of godly friends and perfect environment – will
ever heal that fracture. The only
restorative agent in the entire universe is the love of God at home in that
same fractured heart. And, when a person
does allow Him in, the healing begins and persists because it is for freedom
that He sets us free and He just won’t settle for less than that. He is relentless about our character
development. It is His very will.
As Charlotte Mason wrote, “… character is original
disposition, modified, directed, expanded by education, by circumstances;
later, by self-control and self-culture; above all, by the supreme agency of
the Holy Spirit, even when that agency is little suspected and as little
solicited … character is not the outcome of a formative educational process;
but inherent tendencies are played upon, more or less incidentally, and the
outcome is character.”
I hear this: character is a part of God’s original design
and we don’t have to pour it in or train it up as much as we have to draw it
out. He already created character within
your child and mine. It is in His image
and yet uniquely them. Yes, it is marred
by sin, but it is also present and alive.
And it will be impacted by circumstances, and expanded – yes expanded –
by education, but ABOVE ALL the Holy Spirit will act upon the character of a
child in a subtle and imperceptible way over time. God breathes through us, so completely and so
gently we hardly feel it. And, hear
this, what I heard: the process is not overt and formulaic. It is somewhat nebulous and unseen.
God is at work at every level to transform us once we are
His. And this is true of our children as
well. We are given the privilege of
partnering in that process, but let us not fool ourselves into thinking our
contribution to be greater than it is.
God is at work in our children to will and do His good pleasure. It is not our parenting which will render a
character, but His good and perfect will and His loving touch.
Character development is much like cultivating a
garden. We till and amend the soil, we
plant good seed, we water, nourish, weed, and in due season we see fruit. The fruit of child rearing may not be in the
season of planting and tending. It may
come much later. And, as in gardening
there are all sorts of variables which will bear influence on the process and
the outcome.
I'm harping on this fact -- the fact that so much relies on
being in right relationship to God (the child coming into that relationship
sincerely and then growing bit by bit in an interactive relationship) because I
know the temptation to take a more prominent role in the process than is right
or good. Character development in a
child may be boiled down to trust. It
may simply come down to our abiilty to entrust our children to their loving God
and then to fix our eyes on Him and on our own walk with Him. It involves by way of practice the allowance
of natural consequences -- with no need on our part to enhance, highlight nor
diminish those -- and it must be bathed in prayer.
If you are like me and after all this talk about letting go
and knowing it is God at work you still crave some marching orders, I would say
this: if you want to develop a noble
character in your child, abide in God's love yourself; keep your eyes on your
own walk; love others (including your spouse and your children) despite their
failings; allow natural consequences to have their impact unhindered; and pray.
I truly intended to talk about consequences, and yet, God
took me down this trail instead. I am relatively
sure my next post (and final in this series) will be about the role of
education in character formation and what we can do (oh, how we want to do something!) to help shine a light while
the fruit of character is growing in unseen places. Join me here for more in a few days if you
will …
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