Grace

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Grace.

It happened a year ago August.  I had left a sweet meeting with my dear mentor and I was unglued in the best sense of the word.  We had gone into the depths of some painful memories and I had wept and been freed up even more.  Jesus is relentlessly, yet patiently excavating my heart and digging out the remnants of old hurts and bringing up the wounds so that He can breathe healing all over them.  Each time I meet with my mentor in this way more and more of that old gets sloughed off and there is a fresh wind of peace and joy blowing through the open spaces.  But the wounds are often fresh when I leave her and I feel more vulnerable and tender for a time.  Healing is like that. 

This meeting was no different and on the way home -- my long two-hour drive back to my life and family -- I was looking for something to listen to as I drove.  I finally turned on my laptop on the passenger seat and pulled up my audiobooks file.  I have this habit of downloading free audiobooks whenever they are available so I quickly scanned the list.  Not knowing who wrote what, a title struck me: "All of Grace."  I hit play.  As the author's name was spoken, I thought, "hmmm ... maybe not."  I know this author, C. H. Spurgeon.  I have his devotional, "Morning and Evening."  I do respect him and gain so much from his writings, but he is also a person who was very exacting at times and I knew I was a bit tender and needed kid gloves that night.  I reluctantly continued to listen and bit by bit the message sunk in.  When we are vulnerable, there is not much to defend us.  What is heard sinks in without a wall to keep it out.  I can't find words to explain what happened as I listened, but it was as though the very voice of God were speaking these words of grace to me, personally.  I drove those two hours, hearing from God through the most unlikely and unsolicited source. 

I heard God say that He justifies the ungodly.  It comes into all our minds -- and it surely had come into mine -- that somehow we need to be good enough for God to want to have anything to do with us.  And I have spent years doubting the true love of God for me.  But, there, in the dark of my car, alone on the freeway home I heard it:  God does not come because we are just, but to make us so.  This old truth was made new to me that night.  It is simply impossible to convey the miracle of an awakening.  I had knowledge of this truth, of course, but in this unexpected moment, grace broke through.  And it broke through like a dam breaking.  I felt the rush of newness and the freedom of Jesus' forgiveness.  In the same book Spurgeon says that we can have a recumbant relationship with God.  I think of that often now.  How I can lean back as in a chez lounge and find rest.  It is because of grace that I can relax into God.  Dallas Willard used to say grace isn't just for the sinner -- the godly burn it up like a jet burns up fuel.  We need that grace and we have it in abundance.  Can't you just feel the wind of freedom and joy?  It is not just wishful thinking, it is the ground on which I now firmly stand.  I've had a grace awakening, and I just can't be the same again. 

Stop.

Character vs. Conduct - Part III

So far in this series we have been looking at the developing of a noble character in our children.  In my first post we looked at what character is and in my second post we looked at the process by which God develops character.  We left off thinking of character development being rooted and grounded in love and we looked at the vital role of parental modeling by way of our own abiding relationship in Jesus as we acknowledge that more is caught than taught.  I mentioned at the end of my last post that I was going to tackle the concept of consequences and what role (if any) they play in character formation.  

As I thought and prayed about this post, I really spent time thinking through my own experiences – what has brought around significant change in my character throughout my life?  And I thought about my two sons – what areas do I see strength (even nobility) in their character and what seems to have brought that to pass?  These are really interesting questions to ponder.  I encourage you to think them through. 

One thing that has become evident to me as I have been thinking through character and conduct is that I think we tend to confound two different aspects of parenting.  One aspect is the necessary role of discipline or instruction of our children and the other aspect is the cultivation of character.  I think there is a good reason that we mingle these two together – at least the more I looked at my own tendencies, I found out some things which were important to see.  If I believe that something I do is bound to produce a lasting character change in my child, I feel more of a sense of control.  Parenting is a wild ride to say the least.  From the moment of conception we are profoundly connected to another human being and that person is dependent upon us in a way that is truly overwhelming and precious.  From birth onward their lives are intimately woven into our souls.  Now, top that off with some normal issues like the need to have others like and approve of us or the need to feel like we can keep our children from harm, and we have a formula for needing a sense of control.  The more fear we feel, the more we need power over them and their lives.  So, we are tempted to grasp onto parenting beliefs and methods which help us quell those fears and give us a pseudo-comfort.  One of the things we are bound to do is to tell ourselves that the discipline approaches we choose are invariably going to lead to positive outcome in the character of our children.  And, when we see immediate results in their conduct, we feel better.  We tell ourselves that this compliance is good fruit.  

Discipline (instruction) is necessary and I am sure I will go into that further in future posts, but for our sake here, I want to sort of set it aside because the more I look at it, the more I see that we will never create good character through discipline alone.  There are several good reasons this is so.  

For one thing, outward conformity (conduct) is not a proof of inward transformation.  We ask our children to practice certain habits and demonstrate certain behaviors, but those habits and behaviors in themselves (though very good) are empty, according to Jesus if they are not rooted in a relationship with Him and fueled by our love for Him and His grace and love for us.  Remember the Pharissees?  They were called "white-washed tombs" because they were perfect in their conduct, but they lacked character to support the conduct.  No one wants to be in the business of instilling a Pharisee heart in their own child, but too much emphasis on conduct will do just that – it is legalism plain and simple.  

Dallas Willard said we must become the type of people who would easily do the things that Jesus commands us to do.  That is character: when our knee-jerk reaction is to bless and not curse or to tell the truth or to give and sacrifice.  And, as Dallas taught (echoing teachings of the wise Jesus followers from many previous generations) character like that comes by practicing spiritual disciplines in an abiding life.  As we dwell with Jesus, He leads us into an ever deepening relationship with God and from that relationship comes the power to be the people He wants us to be.   This is true for us, and it is true for our children.  

We desire a deep and pervasive goodness in our children and we must know that much of that territory is not ours to touch.  Just as the internal organs are "out of reach" and "protected" from the direct touch of a human being, God has placed the character of our children out of our direct reach.  We can touch the "skin," but not the essence.  That territory is His alone.  

"Eternal living is an interactive relationship with God that touches us to the deepest core of our being and gives us the strength not only to envision what is good, but to live for it. Walking in that relationship transforms the inner dimensions of human personality. That’s what is called integrity. Integrity is a matter of all the dimensions of yourself being integrated with one another so that they function together because you have brought your will to trust in God and through that, every dimension of your personality—your mind, your body, your feelings, what your body is ready to do, and the depths of your soul, which is normally fractured by sin—is healed." ~ Dallas Willard (quote via Elane O'Rourke)

Our children are fractured as we are.  We all have sin in our hearts.  Nothing – no great parenting approach, no educational method, no group of godly friends and perfect environment – will ever heal that fracture.  The only restorative agent in the entire universe is the love of God at home in that same fractured heart.  And, when a person does allow Him in, the healing begins and persists because it is for freedom that He sets us free and He just won’t settle for less than that.  He is relentless about our character development.  It is His very will. 

As Charlotte Mason wrote, “… character is original disposition, modified, directed, expanded by education, by circumstances; later, by self-control and self-culture; above all, by the supreme agency of the Holy Spirit, even when that agency is little suspected and as little solicited … character is not the outcome of a formative educational process; but inherent tendencies are played upon, more or less incidentally, and the outcome is character.”

I hear this: character is a part of God’s original design and we don’t have to pour it in or train it up as much as we have to draw it out.  He already created character within your child and mine.  It is in His image and yet uniquely them.  Yes, it is marred by sin, but it is also present and alive.  And it will be impacted by circumstances, and expanded – yes expanded – by education, but ABOVE ALL the Holy Spirit will act upon the character of a child in a subtle and imperceptible way over time.  God breathes through us, so completely and so gently we hardly feel it.  And, hear this, what I heard: the process is not overt and formulaic.  It is somewhat nebulous and unseen.  

God is at work at every level to transform us once we are His.  And this is true of our children as well.  We are given the privilege of partnering in that process, but let us not fool ourselves into thinking our contribution to be greater than it is.  God is at work in our children to will and do His good pleasure.  It is not our parenting which will render a character, but His good and perfect will and His loving touch.

Character development is much like cultivating a garden.  We till and amend the soil, we plant good seed, we water, nourish, weed, and in due season we see fruit.  The fruit of child rearing may not be in the season of planting and tending.  It may come much later.  And, as in gardening there are all sorts of variables which will bear influence on the process and the outcome.  

I'm harping on this fact -- the fact that so much relies on being in right relationship to God (the child coming into that relationship sincerely and then growing bit by bit in an interactive relationship) because I know the temptation to take a more prominent role in the process than is right or good.  Character development in a child may be boiled down to trust.  It may simply come down to our abiilty to entrust our children to their loving God and then to fix our eyes on Him and on our own walk with Him.  It involves by way of practice the allowance of natural consequences -- with no need on our part to enhance, highlight nor diminish those -- and it must be bathed in prayer.  

If you are like me and after all this talk about letting go and knowing it is God at work you still crave some marching orders, I would say this:  if you want to develop a noble character in your child, abide in God's love yourself; keep your eyes on your own walk; love others (including your spouse and your children) despite their failings; allow natural consequences to have their impact unhindered; and pray.  

I truly intended to talk about consequences, and yet, God took me down this trail instead.  I am relatively sure my next post (and final in this series) will be about the role of education in character formation and what we can do (oh, how we want to do something!) to help shine a light while the fruit of character is growing in unseen places.  Join me here for more in a few days if you will …

Imperfect Progress

I am reading through a Bible Study called "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst and I was struck by a revelation about what she calls "imperfect progress."  You know when you think to yourself, "I am going to do better next time."  "Next time I'll just eat what I planned."  "I won't yell at my kids ever again."  We make these self-promises when we blow it.  I truly feel so lousy after letting myself or someone else down and I bathe resolve in good intention.  My promises are destined for failure before they are conceived.  I make those resolutions all year long.  Who needs New Years Day?  I resolve and I fall and I get frustrated.  I'll try harder.  I'll get it right if I read the Bible more, pray more, get more sleep, go to the next mom's night out ... 

Our pastor shared a few weeks ago that we just can't overcome the flesh with the flesh.  Do we see the futility?  I do it almost without consulting myself.  I make the resolve.  I mean it fully.  I have a heart bent on seeking Jesus and I am serious about loving Him well.  And, I simultaneously can convince myself that I can conquer my own sin and failings by just resolving and trying harder.  And when I fail, I am disappointed in my inability to hold fast.  Is this the Gospel?  That we, who could not save ourselves, encountered Him who both could and would, and when we lay down our trying we find that it is finished and we are reconciled.  Where is the Gospel in all this trying and resolve?  Where is Jesus when I get myself back up and dust myself off and try even harder? 

He patiently waits for me as I spin this cycle.  And I must come to the end of myself.  What is it that happened at Babel?  They thought they could build a tower and be like God.  We try to build our own towers all the time.  I'll be a good mom.  I'll lose weight.  I'll serve more.  I'll think of myself less.  But what we miss in this equation is the very heart of God -- the heart of Christianity -- the heart of the Universe.  We miss that God made us for relationship and that relationship is based on connection and dependence and communication.  Communion.  It means intimacy.  It is connection in relationship -- sharing.  When I go off on these self-reliant resolves, I leave behind the very heart of life.  I miss the connection, the intimacy, the communion because I believe in my errant heart that I must clean up before He would even be willing to give me the time of day.  Yet He already gave me so much more -- God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  He just isn't waiting around with His arms folded waiting for me to get it right so He can crack a smile and feel good about saving me and calling me His own. 

I grew up thinking I had to get it together to be loved and accepted.  I translated that to God and I find myself still turning to old habits and forgetting.  I forget that He did already do the needed work.  I forget that He delights in me.  I forget that I already am His beloved.  What He wants is not about behavior, but about a person -- He just wants me.  As Dallas Willard said, “We must understand that God does not "love" us without liking us - through gritted teeth - as "Christian" love is sometimes thought to do. Rather, out of the eternal freshness of his perpetually self-renewed being, the heavenly Father cherishes the earth and each human being upon it. The fondness, the endearment, the unstintingly affectionate regard of God toward all his creatures is the natural outflow of what He is to the core - which we vainly try to capture with our tired but indispensable old word "love".” (The Divine Conspiracy).  

God permits imperfect progress because He fully knows that I am human.  He doesn't forget,as I am so prone to do, that this whole life is about love and coming together with Him for intimacy.  He made the way on the cross and He makes the way for me today.  When I turn around and look back on the road I have walked, as Lysa so graciously illustrates in Unglued, I can see the progress, bit by bit, and what's more, I can see the knitting of my heart to His -- one stitch at a time.