Longing is the Gift

Longing is the gift -- that we might be filled.

We feel it acutely when we are alone or lost or when grief sideswipes into our lives.  Longing: The ache for something more comes haunting into our hearts and we crave to fill this space.  On a sweet morning walk, a friend confides that she is lonely much of the time.  Her heart longs for friendship -- connection with other moms -- but she is in that season when kids are sick more often than they are healthy, when naptime trumps all connecting possibilities, when other moms are committed to education with the children in hours she has free.  It is a lonely season.  She is longing.

Another friend is in the straddle of a home sale.  Hers is in escrow and the home she wanted is off the market now.  The dreams she had of moving and building a nest with all her personal touches that say, "home," are temporarily stalled.  A fog replaces the clear vision she thought she had.  She is longing.

A friend and I meet for supper at a diner and amidst the seniors and the special which includes liver and onions we share stories and tears about a broken relationship.  Heart broken and unsure of what can heal a gaping pain when the other person is unwilling to make a bridge, we pray and we console and we seek.  She is longing.

What to Count on When You Can't Count on Your Husband

There are some stories that are yours alone.  Others are shared and those remain only partly told because the other part of the story belongs to someone else and it just isn't for you to tell it.  That's how marriage is.  I have friends who have heard those stories -- because my husband knows I need to share them with trusted people and he has opened to that for my sake.  I will share here that my marriage, like most marriages, has  had its hills and valleys.  We have endured trials together and we have regrettably imposed trials upon one another in various seasons.

You see, years ago, people took the idea of a vow seriously.  The committed spoken words of, "I do" meant forever until death and it meant riding out serious highs and lows.  It meant the lows.  It meant sickness, poverty, brokenness, distance, growing pains, bad days, bad moods, PMS, stress, grief, house repairs, car repairs, crises with the children, long work hours and all other sorts of ills which beset marriages everywhere.  God knows what fickle hearts we have and He knows we need a covenant to make us bound together.  We marry and it is one of two covenant relationships in the whole known universe.  The first is the covenant God makes with us.  The second is marriage.  I'm not sure if that knocks the wind out of you as it does me, but it gives me pause to be sure.  In the marriage relationship a spiritually mysterious reality occurs: the two become one.  Have you thought about that lately?  Your husband is one with you.  He's not that guy who is on your nerves or not doing what you want or failing your expectations (though he may be any and all of those too).  He is one with you.

Fear Not

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

No one wants to be afraid.  When I was growing up, other kids occasionally teased me with names like "Scaredy-Cat" or "Chicken" and I was bound and determined not to live up to those labels.  But if we are honest with ourselves and we pause and look behind the curtain, we see fear in our own hearts.  Fear can run our lives.  It is silent and subtle, but it is often a determining factor in many choices we make and in how we relate to others. 

God knows we are prone to fear.  In His Word He says "Fear not" or "Be Anxious in Nothing" many times over.  He tells us that He hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.  Yet, we can still experience fear, and He knows we will.  That is why He spent so much time telling us not to be afraid.  But He doesn't just say, "Don't be afraid," He also says what to do instead.

Character vs. Conduct - Part III

So far in this series we have been looking at the developing of a noble character in our children.  In my first post we looked at what character is and in my second post we looked at the process by which God develops character.  We left off thinking of character development being rooted and grounded in love and we looked at the vital role of parental modeling by way of our own abiding relationship in Jesus as we acknowledge that more is caught than taught.  I mentioned at the end of my last post that I was going to tackle the concept of consequences and what role (if any) they play in character formation.  

As I thought and prayed about this post, I really spent time thinking through my own experiences – what has brought around significant change in my character throughout my life?  And I thought about my two sons – what areas do I see strength (even nobility) in their character and what seems to have brought that to pass?  These are really interesting questions to ponder.  I encourage you to think them through. 

One thing that has become evident to me as I have been thinking through character and conduct is that I think we tend to confound two different aspects of parenting.  One aspect is the necessary role of discipline or instruction of our children and the other aspect is the cultivation of character.  I think there is a good reason that we mingle these two together – at least the more I looked at my own tendencies, I found out some things which were important to see.  If I believe that something I do is bound to produce a lasting character change in my child, I feel more of a sense of control.  Parenting is a wild ride to say the least.  From the moment of conception we are profoundly connected to another human being and that person is dependent upon us in a way that is truly overwhelming and precious.  From birth onward their lives are intimately woven into our souls.  Now, top that off with some normal issues like the need to have others like and approve of us or the need to feel like we can keep our children from harm, and we have a formula for needing a sense of control.  The more fear we feel, the more we need power over them and their lives.  So, we are tempted to grasp onto parenting beliefs and methods which help us quell those fears and give us a pseudo-comfort.  One of the things we are bound to do is to tell ourselves that the discipline approaches we choose are invariably going to lead to positive outcome in the character of our children.  And, when we see immediate results in their conduct, we feel better.  We tell ourselves that this compliance is good fruit.  

Discipline (instruction) is necessary and I am sure I will go into that further in future posts, but for our sake here, I want to sort of set it aside because the more I look at it, the more I see that we will never create good character through discipline alone.  There are several good reasons this is so.  

For one thing, outward conformity (conduct) is not a proof of inward transformation.  We ask our children to practice certain habits and demonstrate certain behaviors, but those habits and behaviors in themselves (though very good) are empty, according to Jesus if they are not rooted in a relationship with Him and fueled by our love for Him and His grace and love for us.  Remember the Pharissees?  They were called "white-washed tombs" because they were perfect in their conduct, but they lacked character to support the conduct.  No one wants to be in the business of instilling a Pharisee heart in their own child, but too much emphasis on conduct will do just that – it is legalism plain and simple.  

Dallas Willard said we must become the type of people who would easily do the things that Jesus commands us to do.  That is character: when our knee-jerk reaction is to bless and not curse or to tell the truth or to give and sacrifice.  And, as Dallas taught (echoing teachings of the wise Jesus followers from many previous generations) character like that comes by practicing spiritual disciplines in an abiding life.  As we dwell with Jesus, He leads us into an ever deepening relationship with God and from that relationship comes the power to be the people He wants us to be.   This is true for us, and it is true for our children.  

We desire a deep and pervasive goodness in our children and we must know that much of that territory is not ours to touch.  Just as the internal organs are "out of reach" and "protected" from the direct touch of a human being, God has placed the character of our children out of our direct reach.  We can touch the "skin," but not the essence.  That territory is His alone.  

"Eternal living is an interactive relationship with God that touches us to the deepest core of our being and gives us the strength not only to envision what is good, but to live for it. Walking in that relationship transforms the inner dimensions of human personality. That’s what is called integrity. Integrity is a matter of all the dimensions of yourself being integrated with one another so that they function together because you have brought your will to trust in God and through that, every dimension of your personality—your mind, your body, your feelings, what your body is ready to do, and the depths of your soul, which is normally fractured by sin—is healed." ~ Dallas Willard (quote via Elane O'Rourke)

Our children are fractured as we are.  We all have sin in our hearts.  Nothing – no great parenting approach, no educational method, no group of godly friends and perfect environment – will ever heal that fracture.  The only restorative agent in the entire universe is the love of God at home in that same fractured heart.  And, when a person does allow Him in, the healing begins and persists because it is for freedom that He sets us free and He just won’t settle for less than that.  He is relentless about our character development.  It is His very will. 

As Charlotte Mason wrote, “… character is original disposition, modified, directed, expanded by education, by circumstances; later, by self-control and self-culture; above all, by the supreme agency of the Holy Spirit, even when that agency is little suspected and as little solicited … character is not the outcome of a formative educational process; but inherent tendencies are played upon, more or less incidentally, and the outcome is character.”

I hear this: character is a part of God’s original design and we don’t have to pour it in or train it up as much as we have to draw it out.  He already created character within your child and mine.  It is in His image and yet uniquely them.  Yes, it is marred by sin, but it is also present and alive.  And it will be impacted by circumstances, and expanded – yes expanded – by education, but ABOVE ALL the Holy Spirit will act upon the character of a child in a subtle and imperceptible way over time.  God breathes through us, so completely and so gently we hardly feel it.  And, hear this, what I heard: the process is not overt and formulaic.  It is somewhat nebulous and unseen.  

God is at work at every level to transform us once we are His.  And this is true of our children as well.  We are given the privilege of partnering in that process, but let us not fool ourselves into thinking our contribution to be greater than it is.  God is at work in our children to will and do His good pleasure.  It is not our parenting which will render a character, but His good and perfect will and His loving touch.

Character development is much like cultivating a garden.  We till and amend the soil, we plant good seed, we water, nourish, weed, and in due season we see fruit.  The fruit of child rearing may not be in the season of planting and tending.  It may come much later.  And, as in gardening there are all sorts of variables which will bear influence on the process and the outcome.  

I'm harping on this fact -- the fact that so much relies on being in right relationship to God (the child coming into that relationship sincerely and then growing bit by bit in an interactive relationship) because I know the temptation to take a more prominent role in the process than is right or good.  Character development in a child may be boiled down to trust.  It may simply come down to our abiilty to entrust our children to their loving God and then to fix our eyes on Him and on our own walk with Him.  It involves by way of practice the allowance of natural consequences -- with no need on our part to enhance, highlight nor diminish those -- and it must be bathed in prayer.  

If you are like me and after all this talk about letting go and knowing it is God at work you still crave some marching orders, I would say this:  if you want to develop a noble character in your child, abide in God's love yourself; keep your eyes on your own walk; love others (including your spouse and your children) despite their failings; allow natural consequences to have their impact unhindered; and pray.  

I truly intended to talk about consequences, and yet, God took me down this trail instead.  I am relatively sure my next post (and final in this series) will be about the role of education in character formation and what we can do (oh, how we want to do something!) to help shine a light while the fruit of character is growing in unseen places.  Join me here for more in a few days if you will …

Character vs Conduct - Part II

We are exploring the wonderful and trepidation filled process of helping our children to develop noble character.  In the first post we looked at what a character is and the process God has highlighted as the means for developing character.  The process is grounded in God’s love for us while we are sinners.  He died in our place and demonstrates His love on the Cross – so that His love is given to us at the right time when we are yet powerless.  Then, as life goes, we encounter trials and burdens and we can rejoice in the trials because they bear the fruit of perseverance which develops our character which makes us the type of people who can hope in the trustworthy God – because He proves His love as He transforms us through trials and we grow closer to Him and resemble Him more as we endure.  

So, what does all this have to do with our children and their character development? 

I think there are several important things we can look at and apply well and confidently:

First of all, we can see that character development starts with love – God’s love.   He gives that love, not according to our merit or worth or performance or conduct.  He loves us while we are sinners.  As a matter of fact, He doesn’t just love in a touchy-feely, “I love you” type of way.  He actually goes to the lengths of ultimate self-sacrifice while we are powerless sinners.  We all have heard of this unconditional love and we give it a good Christian head-nod.  How long has it been since you sat in His presence and pondered the depths of truth contained in this all-too-familiar story of sacrifice?  God’s love is not a love that says, “Did you clean your room?”  “Ok, then, come give me a hug and we can do something fun.”  His love is given – freely, fully and with great cost to Himself – before we ever do anything worth loving.  Unconditional, sacrificial, holy love is the ground upon which character-development begins.  Always.  Real and meaningful heart-transformation, below-the-surface changes come from being rooted and grounded in His love.  

Consider our role as a parent.  The children in our care will look to us for leadership and guidance and Jesus has said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.  Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.  For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  When you think of parenting do you see it this way?  Do you imagine emulating Jesus and serving those in your care – even to the point of giving your life?  Do you do this when they are powerless and still stuck in sin?  That is the foundation of the love that develops character.  Jesus didn’t come to be served, but to serve.  We are encouraged by His example to “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  Can we parent like that?  Can we, in humility consider our children as more important than ourselves and look to their interests instead of our own?  This is the high calling of motherhood.   Real transformation occurs when God’s love moves through us and the reality of His care is transmitted to our children while they are powerless sinners.  

We cannot muster this humility nor can we muster the love and delight God has for us.  But, we can access it, be transformed by it ourselves and then we can be vessels by which He reaches them and they come to know the truth and security of His deep and eternal love for each of them.  That brings me to the second key to character development in our children.  

The passage in Romans talks about gaining a proven character as we persevere through trials rooted and grounded in God’s unconditional love for us.  And the result is that we have hope that doesn’t disappoint.  We must focus on our own character development.  Don’t miss what I am saying here.  It seems to me, that once I had children, this shift took place in me wherein my focus became about them instead of about me.  Now before you give me the Nobel Peace Prize for altruism, know that self was still at the hidden center of this shift.  I was, of course, in love with my sweet boys and I wanted to care for them and give them all I could.  But, side by side with this pure mother’s love was this desire to see them be perfect accompanied by a fear of all the things that could go wrong in their lives.  That's a Molotov cocktail for parenting.  In the early years of motherhood I saw my child as a reflection as myself and their behavior as a statement of my worth as a mother.  I wasn't consciously aware of the depth of this skewed outlook, though I had glimpses of it.  If my two-year-old was throwing a tantrum at someone’s home, I felt a tad mortified that I didn’t have “control” of my child.  I was concerned that his normal (albeit sometimes sinful) behavior would make me the brunt of judgment and rejection.  What happens?  We moms (and dads to a lesser extent) become susceptible to the temptation to make our children into little projects.  We seek to control them and control the variables that we think impact their lives.  We stop trusting God and we start playing God.  When you read through the Romans passage, you don’t see God expressing his desire to fix us and make us whole so He will look good.  He gives love – He gives Himself – before we do anything to deserve it.  

So, we have to be aware of this insidious urge to see our children as a project and then to “work on them” all the time.  God expresses His relationship to us in words of delight.  He says we are the apple ofHis eye ; He says He delights in us ; and He doesn’t just say it, He shows it.  He is mindful that we are dust and doesn’t expect us to do what we just cannot do without Him.  And if you will remember here, without Him we can do nothing of value.   How would we expect more of our children?  

The proverbial saying that more is caught than taught is true.  How many times have you heard your children speaking to one another using a phrase or tone of voice either you or your spouse use?  The modeling we do as we live life is a large part of what will shape their personality and character.  God asks us, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”  When we focus on our children and their conduct, we can end up exacting behavior from them without even mastering that behavior in ourselves. 

As parents, we need to look at our own lives and our own character.  We need to focus on ourselves at least twice as diligently as any correcting we do of them.  And, likewise, we need not view ourselves as some project of God’s.  He surely says we are His workmanship, but He makes it abundantly clear that His love is unmerited and everlasting regardless of our behavior or progress.  He also makes it clear that we are His workmanship – as we abide in Him we will bear fruit.  He will do that in us as we abide.  Yes, we do participate in our own sanctification, but His love preempts any transformation and is never contingent upon our conduct.  He is in the business of "cleaning us up" but it isn't so that He will find us lovable. 

I’ll share a story here.  I have a dear friend from England and she is a delightful person to be around.   She is calm and sweet and very loving.  Long before I had my own children, My husband and I were with her family one day.  Her four-year-old at that time was worn out and as she was getting him into the van, he turned to her and vehemently said, “I hate you!”  She turned to him and said, “Oh, dearie, I love you.  I am sorry you feel you hate me right now.   How can I help you?”  I have to confess that I was in shock.  As my husband and I got in the car I told him that I, for one, was never going to have children who said, “I hate you” to me, and if they did, I would not allow it (you will remember I had not yet had children and I had a LOT of growing to do).  I still loved and admired my friend, but I just couldn’t imagine that she would answer such defiant and ugly behavior with such a tender and loving response.  I thought surely she was only permitting this behavior to go on and get worse.  Well, a number of years later (after I had my second son) these same friends were in the States and we all got together.  All three of her children were so calm, sweet and very loving.  They were the picture of her and her husband.  They carried themselves in much the same ways as their parents.  Each of them was unique, but they all bore a mark – a character – which was strikingly alike to their parents.  More had been caught than taught.   And since my friend was not one prone to raising her voice, expressing resentment or retaliation, but instead offered sympathy, care and concern for her children, they showed the mark of that care and gave it readily to others without any thought.  It was a part of who they were to act with sincere tenderness, as she did.  It had become their character.  She didn’t “work” on building this up in them.  If she “worked” on anything it was her own humble relationship to God and her ability to grow in Him and His love and to reflect His love to her own children despite their failings.  There were consequences in her home, but they were never primary and they were based in love, and they were given when needs had been factored in and security and love had been conveyed.  

So, for now, I’ll leave you with these two thoughts: 

Character development is rooted in love – God’s sacrificial love for unworthy, helpless sinners.  We can demonstrate that love to our children.  We’ll not muster it, but we can be the vessel by which He pours His transforming love out into their lives and hearts as we cling to Him and allow Him to work through us.  

More is caught than taught.  Our children will emulate our example and our hidden value systems and our quirks and so much more.  They will certainly learn from experience and from many other factors around them as well.  When it comes to character development, developing our own character is paramount to ever helping them develop their own.  We must resist the urge to turn our children into a project and instead embrace them and delight in them as we focus on our own abiding relationship with God.  

In my next post I’ll be discussing the role of consequences in character development …

Validation

My husband and I were watching The X Factor (we tape it and watch it when we want a diversion on occasion) and this girl with an amazing voice got up and sang her heart out.  She was 29 years old and has been trying to break into the country music scene for years.  As the judges were about to tell her whether she got a "yes" or "no" vote from each of them, they stared, relishing power.  She looked nervous and filled with anticipation.  They gave her such accolades and she held back tears.  As she went off stage into the arms of her friends she said, "All my life I've been waiting for this.  Now I feel validated."  It was a sweet moment -- sweet, but somehow sad.

Paul asks in Galatians: "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."  I watched that contestant rise up on the swells of the opinions of four people just because those people had a status in the world and were sitting in the chairs of judges.  Validated.  She said they validated her.  Our great need, our hunger, our longing summed up in that one word: validated.  To validate something is to make it authentic; to confirm or substantiate; to approve.

What that singer longed for and found only momentarily in the eyes and words of those judges is ours in abundance in God through Jesus.  He sees the lost, the lonely, the broken which is in each of us and to that person He says, "yes."  His yes is not momentary.  It won't change with mood or situation.  He said the "yes" as He knit us specifically and uniquely in our mother's womb and sealed the "yes" on the cross.  His love goes on without measure and is for each one of us as though we were the only beloved He knows.  What that contestant will find is that the happiness of human approval has an underbelly.  Our approval lasts but for a moment or a season.  Human love is not the love of God.  It is prone to be fickle and imperfect.  But, God IS love.  His love is so much a part of Who He Is that He IS Love.  His love goes beyond our performance to the depth of who we are. 


We can have misguided longings which cause us to look for love and approval in frail and empty places.  We can hang our hat and our internal sense of value on the opinions of others.  We will come away empty because we are not wired to fill through anything but God.  All substitutes will disappoint us one way or the other because they are just that -- substitutes.  I am reminded of the children's tale of Two Bad Mice written by Beatrix Potter.  In this story these two mice find this doll house and they are overjoyed at the seeming bounty within the home.  They go to take a bite of the amazing fare on the table and are immediately incensed that the food is made of plastic.  They try something else and are equally frustrated.  As their frustration mounts, they begin to destroy the doll house out of disgruntled anger.  If only they knew that the house was not intended to be a supply of food.

 Nothing on this earth was meant to sustain us and fill us as God's love -- His very Self -- is meant to do.


Waylan Jennings said it in his song: "Looking for love in all the wrong places; Looking for love in too many faces; Searching your eyes, looking for traces of what I'm dreaming of..." And more profoundly, St. Augustine of Hippo said, "Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee."  Only One can truly validate.  All other validation will ultimately leave us hungry and wanting for Him. 

Parenting by Heart

Don't tell me what to do.

Isn't that a bit of our nature - all of us?  God knows it.  He says in His Word, "The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase" (Romans 5) and ".. when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died.  I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.  For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. "

So we find ourselves as parents in a sticky-wicket to say the least.  Here we want to instill values in our children that produce the fruit of good character so that apart from us -- when they are not under our watchful eye -- our children will have the internal strength and compass to do what is right on their own initiative.  

And, yet, we are prone to use the very means that God shows us clearly will only cultivate the inclination towards more sin in our children.  We lay out the "law" so to speak.  We say, "Don't hit your brother."  And, what happens?  Maybe in the moment our child stops hitting, but in the long run does this admonishment lead to real, internal heart change?  And there are even those who would add, if you do not spare the rod in conjunction with these "law giving statements" you will effect greater compliance.  So, in other words, if I use physical force and corporal punishment excessively enough, I will force you to abandon your sin nature.  But, God's Word shows us that this just can not be so.  In His Word, in Romans and Galatians and elsewhere, God clearly shows us that the more tightly the law is laid out, the more our flesh rebels and moves towards sin -- even when we wish not to do that very sin!  

I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man I am! (Romans 7:14-24)

So, what are we to do as parents?  The more we impose "law" upon our children, the more they are inclined to disobey.  The external setting of rules seems to run contrary to God's way, at least in and of itself.  Bear with Him (and me) a minute ... There is a way out of this trap:

Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

So, what the law could not do -- make me or my children "behave," Jesus did do by coming to earth and living His life in the likeness of sinful flesh (but free of sin) and then going to the cross on my (and their) behalf.  Never.  Never. Never will I fulfill the law.  Never will my children fulfill the law.  When Paul was writing Romans, he had already been saved by Jesus and was living a sacrificial, God-honoring life.  Yet, he could write, "the law of sin is at work within me!  What a wretched man I am!"   Do you ever feel that way?  I sure do.  I think my children do too.  I mean, we all have the light of our conscience telling us right from wrong and it grieves us to want to do what is right and not be able to live up to it on our own.  And we NEVER will.

Screeecch.

I hear all the "but, but, but" answers coming.  Do you mean to say we should throw away the law and give in?  Should we expect nothing but anarchy and misbehavior from our heathen children? (or even from those children who have accepted Christ as their Savior and Lord?)  Should we cast all hope to the wind and let our children run rampant without discipline?  That is sheer unbiblical heresy!!

Paul asks this same type of question in Romans.  "What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?^"   And he gives an answer: "By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?"  This goes for us and for our children.  But there is one more key element in Romans 8:  

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.  Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.  You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

You see, there truly are two paths in life.  There is the path of legalism, whereby I try to live up to standards on my own power and somehow within that I feel I can make myself (and even others such as my children) comply to the law and earn what the law promises.  Or there is the path of abiding, whereby I plant my roots deep in a relationship with Jesus and knowing my own weakness, I lean on Him for strength and sustenance as a tree digs into the soil for its very life (or as a branch does to the vine) and through Him and His Spirit I am empowered to bear fruit -- even the fruit of obedience to the law.  When my eye is on the law (for myself or my children) I am a behavior-focused, consequence-oriented, rule-imposing parent. But, when my eye is on the heart, I am able to do as Jesus did and does: facilitate relationship that leads to rootedness which is bound to bear good fruit.


How did Jesus go about this process of addressing the heart?  Well, that would be a good thing for each of us to explore on our own.  But, for your sake, I'll tell you what I observe.  He spent time with people.  He asked questions that made them think and self-reflect, and He loved despite brokenness.  When you see Jesus making statements of condemnation, it is to people who claimed to know and follow God, but were leading others astray with false teaching.  Otherwise His way is gentle, loving and forgiving, though not accepting of sin.  When a heart was torn, He asked hard questions and left open spaces for the person to come to grips with their own lack of faith. 

So, you may wonder, do I tell my one son to stop hitting the other?  The answer is, yes I do.  I do tell them what is right and wrong.  But, honestly my direct instruction to stop a sin is the least valuable thing (and probably the least effective) that I do as a mom.  What I do on my better days and more often than not is I engage my sons in dialogue about what kind of persons they want to be and whether the action they chose was one they want to continue in.  I engage the heart.  And, more importantly than all of that, I try to live a life that is one they will emulate because so much more is caught than taught.  My sons do get consequences for poor and sinful choices.  It is sometimes part of what is needed when they are willfully disobedient -- to get their attention so the greater work of heart-changing can occur.  Behavior is always the reflection of what is going on in a heart.  And a heart not bound to Jesus has no alternative but to live for the flesh and sin.  Even when right actions are chosen by an unredeemed heart, a look at the motives will show self at the center. Ultimately only Jesus can release us from this orientation towards life. 

The Pharisees were notorious for crushing spirits with law.  We can parent like that.  From our parental throne we can set out stern laws and exact amazing behavior from our children.  But, do we live as we preach?  Our children know if we do.  Can I ask my son to respect his father while I show that same man, my husband, a spirit of contention?  Can I tell my children to lay off the screens while I sit messaging friends on my phone or checking posts on Facebook?  I must live out what I want them to become.  And that I do, in the same way that they will in time, by walking in the Spirit and Abiding in Jesus.

The law has a place in our lives.  It is good and wonderful.  The evil we see is not in the law, but in the sinful flesh that defies the law.  So, we know and respect the law and yet we fix our eyes, not on the law, but on Jesus.  And we don't moralize our children into good behavior; we don't punish them into it; we love them and we lay out food for their mind which will point them towards what is good; and most of all we focus on our own walk because they are watching what we do more closely than they are following what we say. 

Intention

She put a photo at the top of her blog of a whiteboard bursting with the words "intention" and "intent" marked all over it.  Scrawled out were heart-felt wishes and dreams ... trying to tie them up, capture them, live them out fully.  Be a good mom.  Honor my husband.  Serve God.  Minister to others.  Educate my children.  Live Healthy.  Ideals and goals of intention crying for fulfillment in her. 

I know that ache pulsing inside my heart: crying out to fulfill lofty aspirations where it matters.  Lately I am acutely aware of being called (by God and through friends who love me) to be intentional.  Doesn't that word get used up? But, still, it is so true -- we need to determine what matters, what really matters, and go for it. Life can get just used up with the "to dos" and the "shoulds" and the laundry of it all -- washing and rewashing and wishing and rewishing.  Nike's onto something.  But, then again, there is more to the "doing it" than just doing.


I'm at this juncture where I have to jump off -- like a boat is leaving the dock and there's just no way around it.  I either jump on the boat or stay on the dock and either way I don't do the other.  There's no more straddling left.  And what is it I straddle?  It is the need to grow further in trust and faith and to do so requires just "doing it."  My other foot clings to what is known and seemingly sturdy but just will not take me out where I need to go.  I hear Him call like a voice through a wooded glen ... echoing softly through my soul.  He is saying, "take this next step" and I must.  How can I not?  You'd be surprised where it leads.  It's not to more doing -- but more to my gracious undoing and not doing.

Sometimes the less is the more.  God is asking me to release frenetic planning and come away to quiet places.  I feel it strong.  The pull to be still and know.  He woos and I must go to Him.  There are sloughs between us in this wood -- sloughs of fear and past wounds, of defenses long-lost of their usefulness and of habits chosen once and now imposing.  But, He is greater than all of those.  He is the persistent Hound of Heaven.  He wants me wholly and will not  be hindered in His pursuit  He died to set me free and I all too often I will settle for half-freedom because it is good enough and comfortable enough.  But the way of the cross isn't like that.  The gospel record of His call is not a half-baked, come when you will, do just a bit, go bury your dead and take some time off type of call.  He calls and He comes and who can stand against that fire without feeling the heat?

How gentle and severe He is and He is calling me to join Him in real, abundant life.  Always there is a cross before the resurrection.  Always the cross.  Do we sweat the death so much that we would not take the cup?  We will come, as He did, to the place of "not my will, but Thine" and even fearing what that could mean, we can go with Him.  And when we do, as He did, we find the joy set before us in Him.

Will I go?  Will I do it -- be undone, be less in the doing and more in the being?  I am on my way.  Lacing up the Nike's and running to the arms that hung for me.  

And, I hope you do -- I trust you are going and will go.  What else will we take from this life but that very place we run to, that very Person who calls us, and the very person we become in the going? 

Rhythm vs. Schedule

Time.  We spend it; we want more of it; we rush through it; we try to make it last. 

We meet and walk or text and talk and so many tell me about how little they have and how stressed out they are trying to just live life at THIS PACE. 

Something Charlotte Mason said is that the pendulum swings each second no matter how we occupy that given tick of time. 

“Here, again, is an illustration of that fable of the anxious pendulum, overwhelmed with the thought of the number of ticks it must tick. But the ticks are to be delivered tick by tick, and there will always be a second of time to tick in." 

That same second ticks -- anxious or not -- preoccupied or relaxed.   Imagine Jesus.  He lived 33 short years and He never seemed in a hurry nor did He get harried.  He was measured.  He took time alone with God.  He spent time with friends.  He had important work to do and demands at every turn.  He had enemies and opposition.  What made the difference for Jesus? 

I was walking with a woman I mentor Saturday morning and we were discussing time and the difference between a schedule and a rhythm. We know there must be commitments, but how do we meet those without being in a rush? When we sift through our heart we see reasons we over-commit.  Sometimes how we go about living is what causes our distress.  It isn't having much to do but HOW we go about our "to do" list that can create life-suffocation.  

I find that when I seek Communioin (intimacy with Jesus) in each thing, I take a different approach altogether:

Abiding rather than doing,

Being present rather than staying busy.

Rhythm is a way of going about life from A to B to C while being mindful of God in each moment.  Schedule is about lining up tasks and appointments and checking them off as I go through my day.  Rhythm allows for my needs to be met and the needs of those whom God has sent my way.  Schedule is less concerned with needs than events and performance.  Why do I sometimes get caught in schedule and fail to trust rhythms?  

Fears and habits can propel us to live frenetically.  What is driving me to live as I do?  Am I trusting God to provide both the calling and the means to fulfill it?  Am I seeking Him to help me order my time and my choices?  

When I live for Him and in Him and with Him, I can sort out my "yes" and "no" answers.  I can see what is essential and what is peripheral.  Heavy burdens are made light when I turn to Him with my schedule and ask Him to help me find rhythm.  I can have a full life without feeling stuffed and strangled.